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  1. The Big Switch On

    Thursday, 19 November 2009

    I started off today being a bit miserable and grumpy. Overslept, but still tired. I had forgotten that we had a room hire in at work today, for a company who were running auditions for a showcase. Which meant people were coming in and out of the door all day. Our front door is a code-entry only door, with a 'ring bell for attention' sign. People do not read the sign. They bash the door, then bash the fire exit, and when I DO put the door on the latch so people don't need the code, they decide then is a good time to actually notice the bell. It is a constant source of frustration. So people were at the door all day which meant my getting up and down, up and down. Which, when you're trying to get your own work done is annoying.

    So I get to mid afternoon, and I'm feeling like I've been run over by a steamroller. I'm totally exhausted, and sensing myself flag. I was 4.8 mmol/l two hours post lunch, so I figure that it is entirely possible that I've gone hypo. I feel like I'm hypo. I test, and prepare myself for a low score.

    8.6 mmol/l

    What? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why am I feeling so rubbish, and yet I'm actually higher than I would like to be? That's just as frustrating as the door issue. I'm just trying to get comfortable in listening to my own body and its signs that something's not right. And then when I think I'm half way there, I realise that I'm right back where I started from?  It's deflating, upsetting, and leaves me feeling a bit defeated. I need a hug rather badly.

    Come the end of the day, and I start walking home. It's Thursday night, and late night shopping appears to have started. It's cold, I'm cold and rather miserable. As I'm heading down one of the main shopping streets, I can hear some weird music. I can't tell what it is, and I have my Ipod on, so it's a bit muffled anyway. But I make my way into one of squares, which happens to be where the York's big Christmas tree is.

    Turns out that I've wandered in to the turn on of York's (admittedly extremely naff) Christmas lights. The music is a brass band playing Christmas carols. (Eee, I do love a good brass band).  So I stood for a minute, took a quick snapshot of the tree with my camera phone (difficult due to the fact I was apparently standing in everybody's way, and it was unbelievably windy), and listened to a couple of carols. And then I actually thought about the lyrics.

    God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
    May nothing you dismay.
    For Jesus Christ, our saviour
    Was born on Christmas day.

    Huh. How about that? Now, I haven't really talked about my faith on here, but I am a Christian, for the record. And I take a lot of comfort in faith. I find that God constantly provides moments that make me stop still and take of stock of everything. The other morning, I was desperate to speak to someone to sort something out. 'Please, Lord', I asked, 'please make him just appear from round the corner, so I can clear this up.'. And he did. So, I actually wasn't in the least bit surprised that when I was feeling down and unhappy with how I'm dealing with things, for me to hear 'rest happily, you don't need to worry - God is looking after you.' How great is that?

    I walked the rest of the way home feeling rather more content. I was thinking about how despite everything that has happened in the last six months, I'm still here. I'm still standing. I've thought 'I cannot do this' sometimes. But whether I think I can or not, I still have to. And that's a reality. I've been safe, even through some sketchy times, I've been provided for. I've managed. And that's good.

    "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13)

    And that's a fact. I just need to remember it more.

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