Instructions Not Included

A couple of months a go, I had a bit of fun with trying to get my new sites to stick. Admittedly, that was mostly due to my own stupidity with some self tanning body lotion. What I've found with a few of my recent sites though, is that they're starting to unpeel at the edges somewhat by the third day of use. With that in mind, travel back a week or so with me...

Lately at work, I've been having a huge blitz on my (very large) pile of (extremely overdue) filing. I don't have any shelves near my desk, but I do have a rather extensive number of files that I'm responsible for. So that means lugging them to and fro from the main office to my desk.

One afternoon in this administrative marathon, I keep looking for something like a staple that might have got caught in my top, because SOMETHING is poking me in the side periodically, and I cannot work out what it is. But nothing is to be seen, so I carry on regardless, as you do.

Along rolls the time for me to switch files. So, resting two on my hip whilst I juggle with the code locked interior door, I realise what's been poking me.

Yes, that would be my cannula, which must have been dislodged whilst I was carrying files. Proving that either a) I have a slightly dodgy box of insets, or b) filing is hazardous to my health, and I should stop immediately. Personally, I'm voting for option B. One of two completely unplanned site changes at work that have happened recently, anyone? I'm going to have to start keeping a sharps box here, I swear.

Posted by Becky at 13:30 | Labels: anneka, pumping, work | 2 comments |

Back in December, I was lucky enough to learn a bit of poi juggling at work, for part of the Christmas carol service at York Minster. For those of you not familiar with poi, think juggling balls, but with long strings attached, which you fit to your fingers. It's great fun, and looks beautiful when you do it right. But if you don't? Well, you'll end up whacking yourself all over the place. Especially when you're learning. Which hurts a lot of the time. 

At the moment, things really aren't that dissimilar. I've been somewhat distant from a lot of things that I'm normally so engaged with. Forums, twitter, blogging here, and it's not because I don't love being invovled with social media - if it were up to me, I'd be able to devote a lot more time to it - thoughts of whether I could actually find work doing diabetes advocacy has crossed my mind more than once, believe me. But the problem is that I'm torn between all my commitments. I know that I'm not the only one - we all lead unbelievably hectic lives these days, and I know we'd appreciate the chance to just press the pause button for a few days, and slow the pace down. 

I work full time. I study part time for a Master's degree, which means time on campus, as well as all the work outside of classroom time that goes with it. I'm part of the university's Dancesport society, which means I have lessons, and team practice for competitions. And of course, D always has to have its say on everything.

I'm extremely lucky, in that my work are very understanding about my MA. I've been allowed to rearrange my hours to allow me time to take my lectures, which all fall within the working day. Of course, when I'm not there, I'm in the office. Which means that time to use the library, etc, is all in the evenings. Despite the ridiculous price of it, I do own a  bus pass, so I can get the bus to and from university. On foot, it would take me about an hour to walk between my flat and campus, and then obviously another hour back. So I get the bus. But because buses stop being frequent after a certain time, if I miss one, I have to wait another half hour. And they only go into town, which means I still have to walk half an hour back to my flat, usually with a stack of books. 

So what's a girl to do? If I go to the library after work, the earliest I'll get home is about 20:30, but it's usually more like 22:00 or later. Trust me, by that point, I'm hungry! I've still not really got the hang of reducing my basal rates, and since I'm high an awful lot of the time, I'm not 100% comfortable with reducing them anyway, as I'd probably carry on being even higher.

I knew that when I signed up for the MA it was going to be a lot of work. I'm not complaining about that, because I knew it was part and parcel. Trading off things in order to not completely burn out though? That's a bit more difficult. I'm glad I chose to do this part time, because there's no way I could manage it full time. 

I'll be completely honest. My control has not been great at the moment. My 14 day average on my meter is way higher than I would like it. I'm probably not paying as much attention to things at the moment as I should be, and that is unsettling me a little bit. I don't like taking my eye off the ball, but giving myself some slack in one place is the only way I can think of handling things at the moment. At the end of April, all my assignments for the year will be handed in, and I can think of other things as well. 

Until then, I guess I'm just going to have to try and avoid hitting myself with the various balls in the air.

Posted by Becky at 22:36 | Labels: living with intent, university, work | 4 comments |

Posted by Becky at 22:15 | Labels: appointments, hypers, pumps, sleep, type 1, university, work | 2 comments |

It's ended up turning in to one of those days, it really, really has. We've got a show in the theatre tonight, which means working late. However, half our staff are away, which means we're understaffed. On a normal evening when we have the public in the building, we have three members off staff on. Tonight, we had two - myself and Andrew. 

So, I'm busy doing box office (shocking), and we're about five minutes off opening the house. I'm feeling a bit wibbly, and I'm pretty sure a hypo is headed my way, but unfortunately, box office is busy, and my meter is in the other room. OK, I think, I can wait a couple of minutes to check. 

Then the fire alarm goes off. Oh yes, you heard me right. ANOTHER fire alarm with me in the building. Thrills! So, good, responsible little steward that I am, I make sure everyone is out of the building. It's not going to be fire, I know that - it's going to be the haze machine combined with the fans in the theatre kicking up dust. For some reason, that sometimes sets off the alarm, as has been previously observed by the times our Stage Manager, Rob, has set the alarm off with his sander. But we get everyone out, and I'm running up and down the stairs (we have quite a few), to check all the levels. Everybody out, everything is safe, everybody in. 

Wait a few minutes, serve lots more drinks. OK, I feel REALLY low now. I drink some juice off the bar, but I'm shaking on the insides, I'm sweating, and I can feel waves of heat rushing up and down me. Lovely. A couple of minutes later, I see a window of opportunity, and I run off and grab my meter, and try to check. 

Shunk, goes the lancet. 

No blood. Try another finger.

Shunk goes the lancet.

No blood this time either. Grrr!

Flick my arm to try and get some blood to my fingers.

Medical ID bracelet flies off my wrist, and is now a bunch of beads cluttering the floor between the box office and halfway through the main office. Well, that's just peachy, isn't it? I start picking them up, and try again to test.

Shunk goes the lancet.

4,3,2,1, numberwang says......3.2mmol/l (57.6mg/dl) AFTER juice?! Aw man. I'm seriously sweaty and swaying by now. I go back over to the bar.

'Andrew? Andrew, I'm really low.'

So being as I'm supposed to stay downstairs as Duty Manager, whilst Andrew goes upstairs (ironically, mostly in case of a fire-related emergency, ha ha ha(!) ), I decide to possibly over treat this, so that he knows I'm not going to drop whilst I'm working alone downstairs, and can't get to anyone. 

Pour another glass of apple juice and down it. Then pour another glass (they're very small). I pause to look at it. There's mould floating in it. Well, isn't that just LOVELY? And isn't it good we hadn't had anyone buy any? I couldn't have noticed this before I'd drunk two glasses of it though, could I?

I drink a bit of orange juice instead, and grab a bar of chocolate off the bar as well, thinking that my bar tab is rocketing up by this point. Everyone goes up, and I sit down at my desk.

I post a cry for help on Twitter, Facebook, and Diabetes Support, saying I was on my own, and could anyone who had my mobile number check on me in ten minutes or so?

And bless their hearts, did people come through for me? Sam, Siobhan and Tom all texted me within a matter of minutes, asking if I was ok, did I have stuff to treat with, etc.

I was climbing slowly. 4.9, 5.2, all the way up to 6.8mmol/l (122mg/dl). Still felt like utter rubbish though, and my WORD was I hungry by now?

Interval comes, and we do a roaring trade on the bar. But I want to go home. Show has just finished, and now I'm at 10.7mmol/l (192.6 mg/dl), and I'm still having to think much harder than normal to type this correctly. 

Is it home and bed time yet? How was your day?

Posted by Becky at 22:27 | Labels: food, friends, hypos, nablopomo, numberwang, testing, theatre, work | 0 comments |

Posted by Becky at 22:45 | Labels: dreams, goals, nablopomo, sieve brain moments, work | 4 comments |

It's a strange thing, work. In general, we spend the majority of our week there. I know I do. I was reading this post over at Olivejooice about work, and it got me thinking. I've worked a whole bunch of jobs since I was old enough to be legally employed. I've been a waitress, a dishwasher, worked in retail with clothes, jewellery, newspapers, toys, electronics, chocolate, and food. I've worked in a library, I've stuffed envelopes. I've worked for the Health Protection Agency. I've been a secretary for an estate agent. I've been an actress. I've been a professional viking, and a professional fake archaeologist. Oh, and then the job that I do now. I'm also sure I've missed a few off there, but I'm not going to go through old CV's to make sure I've got them all! I think it's clear though, that I've had a lot of jobs. I don't like being unemployed. I haven't constantly had a job, even when I was doing my degree. But it's not far off the mark to say that for most of my employable life, I've been working. So to say that I spend the majority of my time at work is probably true.

I find it strange when people talk about their 'colleagues' or 'work friends'. To me, work is so much my life that most of my friends are my 'work friends'. And I love them. I don't know how I would have coped this past year if I'd worked somewhere else. Particularly if I'd still been working for my previous employer. I'm not going to name names publicly, but I could see my getting written up for 'not being able to work to standard'. I don't have much pleasant to say about that company. 

But I feel safe where I work. Not only do my best friends work there, but pretty much everyone there understands that sometimes I need to do things a bit differently. Which I appreciate so much. For the most part, if they don't understand something, they ask. They know there are Glucotabs in my bag. That sometimes a really bad hypo can leave me sluggish, and if I'm trying really hard to chug a Diet Coke, it's most likely for the caffeine to try and wake my brain up.

I hate feeling useless. I've been having (for me) some real highs as of late. I don't do double figures normally. But they make me feel anxious, jumpy, drained. I can't concentrate well. I get aggressive. When I'm low, I can be just as drained. I still can't concentrate. I can get weepy and scared. None of these things are particularly conducive to being productive in a worth environment. Of course, I'm always trying to control these numbers, and get rid of the highs and the lows, but sometimes that's just not possible. If you're reading, you probably know how it is (if you don't - it is difficult).

I like my workplace. But as much as I do, I'm not going to work there forever. Eventually, I will want a new challenge. What do I do then? I have several friends online who have told me about being 'let go' because of their diabetes, or who just haven't been able to find work in the first place. Some won't tell a potential employer. It's certainly something to think about.

I know in the UK I'm covered by the Disability Discrimination Act. This is interesting, because I don't like to think that I have a disability. Not that I have any problems with the concept of disability, but more because a) diabetes seems a strange thing to consider a disability, and b)I didn't think that it would ever happen to me. I guess no-one ever does. I've been told that, when applying for a job, if I say that I have a disability, in some instances I'm entitled to an automatic interview. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Do I look at it with the view of 'I don't want any favours, or pity. I just want to be judged on my merit alone.' or do I look at it as a foot in the door? I still don't know, as it's not something I've been thinking about for a long time. 

I'd like to say that diabetes doesn't change my ability to work to 100% all the time. But I'm forced to admit that it's just not true. I find myself thinking back to when I was completing my undergrad degree (BA Hons Performing Arts, if you're not aware), and the sorts of hours I used to work, and the kind of things that were required of me, in order to get a good mark. I'll give you an example from my second year. I was rehearsing a community theatre show for my own degree. I was also working as Deputy Stage Manager and Lighting Designer and Operator for a third year performance of Jesus Christ, Superstar at the same time. That was what we did. You were pretty much expected to do both performance and technical roles for third year performances. It wasn't necessarily written in the course syllabus, but it was part of the way things were. It was how you got better opportunities. It was how you learned. How you got ready for your own third year shows. So the production 'week', which was really three days, went something like this:

Wednesday day I had my own rehearsals all day. I probably got some food before going to see a performance of Sarah Kane's Blasted, which was in the main house theatre. After that show went down, begin the turn-around for Superstar. By the time the set is in, which is a LOT of heavy lifting, it was probably gone midnight. Then most of the production crew goes home, and myself and the Stage Manager begin rigging the lights. If you've never worked with stage lighting, these lights are heavy. Hanging them over a gantry, which has a low ceiling and about an eighteen foot drop, is hot, rather sweaty (sorry for the lovely mental image) work. We didn't finish this, but got told we had to leave because the theatre manager wanted to lock up, at about two thirty or three in the morning. I walk home, and after showering, get to bed at about four. Up at six, to be in by seven thirty. I think some food might have been eaten. More rigging, and trying to start focussing the lights. Go to my own rehearsals at ten. Break at one, but have to carry on focussing and trying to plot the lights onto the board. Back to my own rehearsals at two. Well, let's just say that I'm running on adrenaline and sugar, with no real break till gone past midnight again. Back again in the morning before nine. Show nights and my own rehearsals, until Saturday night, when we take it all down, and life goes on.

Could I do that now? No. I don't know if I could safely manage one day of that. At the time, it was all something I could just power through. It was all part of the game, and was 'hardening me up' to actually go into the profession. And in my ideal world, I would probably still be chasing acting work. But it's hard to get, and I seriously wonder if I'd be able to get a decent contract now, if I decided to passionately pursue it again. I'm not sure I would. I don't think employment law is quite the same in the arts, since they can turn me down for a job simply because they don't like the shade of my hair.

But does that mean I give up on the things I want to do? No it does not. Maybe I don't have good enough control to chase acting work again. Or maybe I've just gone past that point. Maybe I'll come back to it again. I just don't know. That's what's exciting about life really. I have my dreams, my goals, and my aims. I know what my ideal would be by the time I'm forty. I'm not going to let diabetes stop me doing any of the things I want to do. But it might be that I have to re-evaluate things a little. 

The only person on this planet that can give me the ultimate 'no' is me. I'm not saying no.

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the turtle, it was a present off our Education Assistant, Rosie, who left us today. She also brought in brownies. She carb counted out the recipe for me. Like I say - my work friends aren't 'work friends'. They're just my friends.

Posted by Becky at 22:55 | Labels: being thankful, d365, dreams, friends, goals, hypos, nablopomo, theatre, type 1, work | 1 comments |

We have another company using our theatre space at the moment. As a thank you, they brought in chocolates. And left them on my desk. It's like they were watching me. So I drew eyes on them. Shame that I chose to do it in a permanent marker that soaked through the paper and on to my desk. That meant getting out the meths. 

On reflection, I'm not sure it was worth it. 

Today has been a bit rubbish. A post lunch 9mmol/l was followed with my attempting to overcome a 3.7 by force of will alone. Seemed to work, as came in at 4-5mmol/l, which is fine. But I spent the follow two to three hours in a horrid state. I was unbelievably hot, and I felt like my skin was crawling. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and all I actually wanted to do was hide under my desk and cry. I was angry at everything, and I didn't want to answer the phone or the door. 

So because we had a show in with an early start, I had to eat dinner early as well. But as soon as I'd injected my NovoRapid, I realised a potentially huge problem with being over building capacity. This had to be solved, and had to be done in ten minutes, as that's when NR tends to kick in on me. Now, obviously I could have solved this issue by drinking some juice, sorting out the problem and then bolusing again for my meal. But I wasn't exactly thinking straight. 

After eating, my two hour post test comes in at 12.6 mmol/l. Fantastic. Sort that out with a two mile walk home. But due to early dinner, I'm now hungry again. What a fantastic day.

Posted by Becky at 23:50 | Labels: bolus, d365, food, hypos, injecting, nablopomo, numberwang, sieve brain moments, testing, type 1, work | 2 comments |

I've been baking again. If you watched yesterday's vlog, you would have seen that I possess a copy of a book called 'How To Cook'. So knowing that I've been baking might alarm you. But worry not. I'm actually not a bad at cooking. But though I'm 'not bad' at cooking, I'm good at baking. Baking I can do. 

So today's experiment consisted of lemon muffins. I say muffins, but it's basically a general cake mixture that I adapt to suit whatever I have in the cupboard at the time. 

Now, these cakes aren't for me. These are for my friend from work. He's trying to give up smoking, and as a way of encouraging him (because I HATE those dirty cancer sticks and the thought that they could be stealing life away from the people that I love), I promised a variety of baked goods for ten weeks. 

During my joint birthday shinding this time last week, he and I were talking about the blog. He asked me who was going to play me in the movie. I had to laugh. I told him I'd cast Dave Gorman to play him if he didn't want to play himself, and that he could tell me who would play me. He came up with a fairly bizarre set of suggestions, but hey it was a good giggle. Suggestions ranged from Emily Mortimer to Sandra Bullock, and ended up with the strangest one of all.....

Keira Knightley!

OK, you probably don't know that I personally believe that this tree has more acting ability than Ms Knightley. So that one puzzled me no end. But like I say, it was an entertaining thing to chat about. 

So that is who the cakes are for. And whilst I'm pleased to support him in this weird way, there's something about baking when you know you're going to give it away. That's what I tend to do with most of my baking, these days. I know if I have a bit of it, I'll really struggle to stop. It's not that I think I'm greedy, or that I have no self control. It's just that it's difficult sometimes. If I have one, I want a second. I'm sure you know what I mean. I think everyone has something that they act that way around. 

So I try to give it away. I like to think that it makes other people happy. Here's hoping anyway.

Posted by Becky at 22:55 | Labels: cake, cooking, d365, friends, nablopomo, work | 1 comments |

Ah the things we do at work. It's been a strange (and fun) few days, really. And it's in stark comparison to this time last year. I'm pretty sure that over the next month or so, I'll come back to this theme again. It's heading up to my first D-Birthday, which will be 1st May. But the journey to my D-Birthday, in my mind, begins with my actual birthday. Which, for the record, is today. 

Last year, I remember feeling distinctly unwell around the time of my birthday. I looked back on pictures of last year's joint party, and the day after, and for some of them I look OK. But the morning after, when I'd taken off the make-up, I looked grey. And no, I wasn't hungover. I'm not a big drinker. I wonder a lot about that time. I'd been feeling ill, and now I think, was that the start of it all? Or was that what started it? And I guess really there's no way to ever know for sure. 

What I do remember was having no real energy to party. I went home relatively early, and nearly fell asleep when we moved from the restaurant to a club. I felt sick, and wanted to sleep. So, I went home and slept. 

On the day of my actual birthday, I went home to my parents' place in the afternoon. When I came home after the weekend, I remember saying on the phone to my Mum that I was unbelievably thirsty, and couldn't work out why. I believe in the end we put it down to a packet of crisps that we hadn't tried before. 

What a difference a year makes, as I say. When we went out on Wednesday, I carb counted out pretty much perfectly, which was very satisfying. Then we went to try and find somewhere to get a drink. At 23:00, I found myself sat on the steps of the Hilton, doing my Lantus, as a police van drove past, finding the scene hilarious. Today, I went and had sushi for lunch, and had my chin painted by the graphic designer who works upstairs from us for photographs for a children's theatre festival.

Rather different, as I say.

Posted by Becky at 22:44 | Labels: bolus, d365, diagnosis, food, friends, injecting, nablopomo, type 1, work | 2 comments |

Part of my extremely glamorous job involves stuffing envelopes. And for the past few days, it has involved stuffing lots and lots of them. And then a few hundred more. It has taken me (with help) nearly two days to get through the huge stack, which then took three people two trips to the postbox to get rid of. 

Like I say, really glamorous. Don't let anyone delude you to the belief that working in a theatre is sexy. Even when I was doing acting, directing or something actually creative, rather than admin, 80-90% of what I'd get up to was not in the least, I promise you. 

But there is a problem with that many envelopes and a job that takes that amount of time. During a work day, I'll test several times. Of course that means I bleed. Now, I do suck my finger after I've tested, but as you can imagine, sometimes that doesn't always work too well. So with a lot of white envelopes, there have naturally been a few unfortunates. Problem is of course, I don't often notice if I'm still bleeding till a few envelopes down the line. So without opening them all again, it's hard to know how many I've bled on. Like I say, it's a bit like the lottery. Just an extremely gross one. So if you're one of the poor unfortunates that ends up with a bloody one, I apologise. You won't know it's from me, but I promise, I'm sorry.

I wonder what Gibbs would make of it all? He'd probably set Abby on me. And my keyboard. And the phone on my desk. And the back of my housemate's Wii-mote...

Posted by Becky at 21:15 | Labels: d365, nablopomo, testing, work | 0 comments |

This is not a nice picture of me. But I figured it would be a good start to my attempt at Diabetes 365. I haven't made an account yet, but I figure I can start with my camera phone, and move on to a DSLR eventually.

***************

But anyway, here's the story behind this one. I went up to B&Q today to buy a storage crate for merchandise at work. I was sure I could get there and back in an hour, in time for 12:30, to have my lunch. I was happy enough with my levels before we left, and with twelve complete hypo-free days behind me, I was fairly confident that I was going to complete day thirteen. Plus it would be ironic in a cliché-ridden way for the streak to end on day thirteen. 

However, it was there by the power-tools (see over my left shoulder) that my good run ended, in a collapsing jenga-tower-esque fashion. So there I sat in the B&Q cafe, eating my Glucotabs and sandwich, all the while wondering why on earth B&Q had a cafe in the first place. I was intrigued by a sign behind the counter, which said that outside food was not permitted, but 'exceptions would be made in cases of children with medical conditions'. 

Why just children with medical conditions?  Why would children be spending significant amounts of time in B&Q? Good to know that understand that sometimes people HAVE to eat, but do they think the children that would need to eat because of medical conditions won't grow up to adults who are going to need to as well? And that are more likely to be interested in lawnmowers/shelving/taps/drills?

Well, it's an interesting thought, and a rather surreal experience, watching men walk by with probably my body's weight in timber on a flat cart. 

A new game starts tomorrow.

Posted by Becky at 23:41 | Labels: d365, food, hypos, nablopomo, numberwang, type 1, work | 1 comments |

I'm double posting today, but I'm really wanting to carry on with this series. I did plan to get this finished within seven days. Yesterday I planned to address the sin I'm writing about now.

Sloth.

But I was too tired. 

The irony is not lost, believe me. But I have been tired. I'm trying to get a lot of things done right now. But the problem I have though, is that the more I have to do, quite frequently the more tired I get, and the less I actually achieve.

I find this the to be particularly true with things such as writing my blood sugar scores into my log book. I never want to do it, and I forget about it. Then I become less inclined to do it because I feel more and more guilty about the fact I haven't done it in the first place. 

I just realised tonight that I need to order some more needles. I now can't do this til Monday. Monday is the 22nd. I remembered that I need to book a prescription review appointment, because I need to do a review before the 24th. Now I won't get one in time, I'm sure, so I'm rather debating bulk ordering strips and needles. It's not like they're things I won't use. I get a bit frustrated with booking things through my GP, rather than through the hospital. They tend to get a bit confused.

So much to do. So little time. Struggling for energy. Which is why I've booked Monday off work....

Posted by Becky at 00:35 | Labels: appointments, type 1, work | 2 comments |

Rather than go 'Happy New Year, world!' and be all bouncy and jolly, in love with the world afresh, I entered 2010 a bit anxious, and with the attitude of 'bugger off, I don't want to know'. 

So, anxious and a bit depressed would probably best sum up my attitude to the start of 2010. I've never been a big fan of January. There's all this pressure to get yourself sorted, and make resolutions. I tell myself every year that I'll do things, then don't end up doing it and get even more angry with myself. 

So, I made a resolution several years ago, not to make any more New Year's Resolutions. And I've been doing really well at keeping that one.

Well, I've bitten all my nails off again due to being anxious. I was getting worked up. I was getting a lot of double figure scores, and I couldn't get them to stop easily. So I rang up Becky, my DSN, thinking she'd tell me I needed to up my NovoRapid. But instead, I was instructed to start again on Lantus. 

Ah. 

Now, I'd been very keen to start on Lantus again. Mainly for reasons of personal craziness. It was like I didn't feel as though I was a proper T1, what with my tiny 2u boluses, and no basal. So getting the basal back would be, as someone put it to me, 'like getting my diabetic stripes'.  But when I got told to put it back in again, all of a sudden it was a bit like a promotion I didn't want. 

I was nervous. 

I'd had some pretty rotten hypos on Lantus last time, and I've not been proved too far wrong. I've taken it down by a unit, but I've only had one hypo-free day since starting it up again. I'm not enjoying it thus far. The only good thing, I suppose, is that if DSN-Becky wants to keep the Lantus in, I might be able to calculate my insulin-sensitivity more accurately, and do some PROPER carb counting. 

So moving on to some good things. I mentioned that I might have some new readers due to my request for people to follow this on LiveJournal's holiday_wishes community. Well, one of the other things I wished for was for some sugar-free caramel syrup to put in hot chocolate. I didn't actually think I would have anyone send me any. So imagine my surprise when this turns up before Christmas:

 

Oh I was thrilled, I can tell you. I still am. As well as sugar-free caramel syrup, there's some dark chocolate, sugar-free chocolate syrup (which you can use to make milkshakes with!), low sugar hot chocolate sachets, a lovely glass mug, and three boxes of sugar free pudding mix. That pudding is my new love! I've already arranged a friend of mine in the US to send me more over (in exchange for lemon mousse bars from Thorntons!) I cried when I opened the box up, because it was so completely generous I couldn't quite get over it. 

I've been baking again! Last time I tried baking with Splenda, rather than sugar, I made cupcakes, and exchanging all sugar didn't really work. So I tried making biscuits. I'd been bought some new nifty kitchen tools as part of my Christmas present, and I couldn't wait to try them out. And here be the results:

They ended up tasting rather like shortbread. Half sugar, half Splenda. Next time, a little more allspice. I'm willing to share the recipe should anyone want it. But they were good. Proof in point?

 

I took them to work with me, and only ended up with  a couple left, one being the one I snagged for myself there, with my sneaky cup of low-sugar hot chocolate. And yes, that is a Christmas mug. I bought it for £1.00 in the sales after Christmas 2008. I figured no-one else would have a Christmas mug at work, so I'd know it was mine, and could keep tabs on who was stealing it! Not that that seems to stop people.

Coming soon by the way - Sam from Talking Blood Glucose is going to be doing a guest blog here at some point in the near future. Yey! That should be worth sticking around to read. 

 


And one of the best things about post Christmas/New Year period? Slowly working your way through the sea of amazing new Christmas socks. Awesome ^_^

Posted by Becky at 21:34 | Labels: bolus, cooking, food, friends, honeymoon, hypos, injecting, testing, type 1, work | 1 comments |

I started off today being a bit miserable and grumpy. Overslept, but still tired. I had forgotten that we had a room hire in at work today, for a company who were running auditions for a showcase. Which meant people were coming in and out of the door all day. Our front door is a code-entry only door, with a 'ring bell for attention' sign. People do not read the sign. They bash the door, then bash the fire exit, and when I DO put the door on the latch so people don't need the code, they decide then is a good time to actually notice the bell. It is a constant source of frustration. So people were at the door all day which meant my getting up and down, up and down. Which, when you're trying to get your own work done is annoying.

So I get to mid afternoon, and I'm feeling like I've been run over by a steamroller. I'm totally exhausted, and sensing myself flag. I was 4.8 mmol/l two hours post lunch, so I figure that it is entirely possible that I've gone hypo. I feel like I'm hypo. I test, and prepare myself for a low score.

8.6 mmol/l

What? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why am I feeling so rubbish, and yet I'm actually higher than I would like to be? That's just as frustrating as the door issue. I'm just trying to get comfortable in listening to my own body and its signs that something's not right. And then when I think I'm half way there, I realise that I'm right back where I started from?  It's deflating, upsetting, and leaves me feeling a bit defeated. I need a hug rather badly.

Come the end of the day, and I start walking home. It's Thursday night, and late night shopping appears to have started. It's cold, I'm cold and rather miserable. As I'm heading down one of the main shopping streets, I can hear some weird music. I can't tell what it is, and I have my Ipod on, so it's a bit muffled anyway. But I make my way into one of squares, which happens to be where the York's big Christmas tree is.

Turns out that I've wandered in to the turn on of York's (admittedly extremely naff) Christmas lights. The music is a brass band playing Christmas carols. (Eee, I do love a good brass band).  So I stood for a minute, took a quick snapshot of the tree with my camera phone (difficult due to the fact I was apparently standing in everybody's way, and it was unbelievably windy), and listened to a couple of carols. And then I actually thought about the lyrics.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen,

May nothing you dismay.

For Jesus Christ, our saviour

Was born on Christmas day.

Huh. How about that? Now, I haven't really talked about my faith on here, but I am a Christian, for the record. And I take a lot of comfort in faith. I find that God constantly provides moments that make me stop still and take of stock of everything. The other morning, I was desperate to speak to someone to sort something out. 'Please, Lord', I asked, 'please make him just appear from round the corner, so I can clear this up.'. And he did. So, I actually wasn't in the least bit surprised that when I was feeling down and unhappy with how I'm dealing with things, for me to hear 'rest happily, you don't need to worry - God is looking after you.' How great is that?

I walked the rest of the way home feeling rather more content. I was thinking about how despite everything that has happened in the last six months, I'm still here. I'm still standing. I've thought 'I cannot do this' sometimes. But whether I think I can or not, I still have to. And that's a reality. I've been safe, even through some sketchy times, I've been provided for. I've managed. And that's good.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13)

And that's a fact. I just need to remember it more.

Posted by Becky at 22:38 | Labels: being thankful, faith, hypos, nablopomo, numberwang, testing, work | 0 comments |

So yesterday was a busy day. Being as it was a Saturday, that meant it was off to the university for dancing. We started off with jive, which I was thrilled to do, as I can actually DO it. To be fair, I did do modern jive classes for a few months, but that was now about three years ago, so I wasn't sure a) how much I would remember, and b) how modern jive moves would translate to Latin American moves. Turns out quite well! Well, an hour into doing really well, we then moved on to improver's Quickstep. Well, that was laughable! I adore the Quickstep, but it's really, really hard! Also, Ben and I have put our names forward to dance either Cha-Cha-Cha or Jive in the group demonstration display in York Come Dancing, which is York Uni's charity version of Strictly Come Dancing. Apparently, it can get up to 1,000 people watching it, so that's not scary yet thrilling at all!

Anyway, I posted a picture of my poor abused feet yesterday. Yeah, they're still in a fairly battered and shredded state. I need them to get better before I put them all through it again on Tuesday night for beginner's Tango and improver's Jive. I know that I've got to be careful about how I treat my feet now, so I've taken the plasters off to try and let poorly bits breathe. This does however mean my feet are FREEZING. I have naff circulation in my hands and feet anyway, but since they're bare and it's really cold (barely scraping 15 degrees in here!) it does make it worse. Anyone out there have any good tips for how to speed up healing that would be safe for me to do? Answers on a postcard!

So, since I've been talking about how cold it is, here's a nice picture of a bonfire! Mmmm, toasty. So, after dancing, making a flight of fury around the centre of York to buy fireworks and plasters, I made it home to try and speed-bake a two layer chocolate chunk/marble cake (there is no official name for it, I just make it up as I go along) for my friend Tom's birthday. Sadly I didn't get chance to take pictures, because it was slightly too rushed an affair, but I'm told it was good. It's the first proper cake I've made since being diagnosed, and I did it with sugar, since attempts with Splenda have had somewhat varied success, and it wasn't for me anyway.

Made it to work, in time to welcome our new company for 2010, play some silly games, and then pile in cars to drive out to Pocklington to burn and explode things. Hooray for fireworks :D Sadly, I'd forgotten my hat, so spent a fair amount of time trying to keep my ears warm by rubbing them with my amazing 'muppet fur' gloves. It was all great fun, bar a slightly alarming moment when I got a sparkler stuck in the gloves. Thankfully not the end that was burning.

 

All in all, a great night! Seriously though, if you've got tips on sorting my feet out (or if you just want to say hi - I know you're out there reading!) please do comment.

Posted by Becky at 20:54 | Labels: friends, nablopomo, work | 1 comments |

Today's been a bit of a strange day. I've had highs, I've had lows. My word, numbers have been all over the place. Woke up on 8.2 which was a bit of a bummer to start off with. My waking scores have been getting higher. I don't think it's dawn phenomenon, but I can't quite figure out why all the same. Moved on to a slightly more sensible, but a strange dip of 4.6 two hours later. I'd been trying slightly less cereal for breakfast, but apparently took it too far. 

Then before I went to get my lunch, I made an errand regarding shoes (I will get on to that, complete with picture, in a bit). But I clearly spent too long in the shop, because as soon as I left, I was feeling a bit worse for wear. So I headed straight to get food, but by the time I'd got back to my desk, I was really sweaty and shaky, despite the fact it was flipping freezing out there. I tested, expecting a really low score, but discovered it was only 3.9. Still a hypo, but only just. But I chewed away on my glucose tabs, because I was feeling rough as a dog by this point. Waited five minutes or so, found myself at 5.1, so ate my lunch. I'm totally exhausted by now, and remained so for most of the afternoon.

Two hours later, and we've made it to 8.1. Huh. Now a further two hours along, and I'm feeling a bit rubbish again, so I tested again (by the end of the day, I had got through a LOT of strips - many more than I normally do in a day), and I was 11.2. What?! Where is this coming from?

Now, after work, I had headed over to a friend's place, as we were having a 'sofa party' to...well, christen her two new sofas (and very nice they were too). There was food to be had, but I was planning to go home and have some proper dinner, so I had a bit just to keep my levels up, but didn't cover it with any NR.  Checked where I was at, and found myself at 4.8. Weird, but score! Hour and a half later, we're at 10.2. A bit later and it's 13.1. By now, I'm fairly sure that I'm not going to actually have any proper dinner when I get back to my flat, but I'm anxious. I'm not sure whether to leave it, or to take a unit of NR and try and correct. I tell A what's going on, and he 'convinces' me to eat a small plate of his leftover Thai red curry with a 2 unit bolus. For the record 'convincing' me involved threatening me with leaving on Maid In Manhattan, which had just come on the tv, and also his trump card threat, which I will reveal another time. But I can't stand that film, so I did eat it. My test before eating had shown me coming down to 11.6. We'll see what happens in a couple of hours. Before that, I've at least got new (to me) episodes of Psych that I can be watching to fill the time. 

But now, the exciting (for me, at least) bit. I mentioned the other day that I was looking at buying a pair of shoes for doing my dance classes. And I bought them! Aren't they pretty?!

Looooooove them. I'm not much of a girly-girl, for the record. I hate shoe shopping, and do not get excited about shoes EVER. But these are so feminine and pretty and though I'm probably going to be cursing them to high heaven on Saturday afternoon when I've been dancing in them for two hours, I just think they're gorgeous. To the point where I'm going to probably go and buy fabric to make a shoe bag for them tomorrow. It must be love, surely?

Posted by Becky at 23:22 | Labels: friends, hypos, injecting, numberwang, testing, type 1, work | 0 comments |

So, I was planning today to write about how the marvellous and wonderful TV show Scrubs (one of my all time favourites) talks about diabetes. This was inspired by a conversation about show on Diabetes Support about the same thing. However, this was going to require me watching a couple of specific episodes - oh, what a dreadful trial - and unfortunately for some of this evening, I had other plans.


Now, it's a slightly strange thing that, because I work in theatre, on occasion, I and the lovely people I work with, get invites to various things. The strangest of these had to be when we got asked to go to a branch of Frankie & Benny's for a free three course meal. We thought at the very least there would be some sort of questionnaire for us to fill out, but we came in, ate and left without them asking us for a single thing. It was very cool. Slightly more understandable is that sometimes we get to go to press nights for shows at other theatres, or get free tickets from time to time. But the other week we got asked to go to a launch of a local restaurant's autumn menu. There was promise of champagne and canapes, as well as a wine and cocktail tasting.


Well one thing was for sure. There was a lot of available alcohol. 

Proof in point would be the picture to your right, straight from my phone's camera. (I'm still in love with the new-to-me phone with a camera!) I will stress, however, that not all of that was drunk by me. And that not all the glasses made it on to that shot! I left the office a bit high, coming in at about 9mmol/l (162 mg/dl, I believe), since I'd given in to temptation, and had a small piece of the cake that had been floating about (not literally, obviously) earlier in the afternoon. I figured that since I'd probably be having at least one drink, I was surely better to be on the slightly higher side. And yes, there were canapes. I managed to get my hands on a rather nice smoked chicken....thing. But just the one. Yes, there were also oysters, but I'm sorry, there is NO way I'm going there, not matter how sophisticated it's meant to be. But there was freely available champagne (and not the cheap stuff, either), as well as seemingly endless shot-glasses full of samples of two of their cocktails. Both were very nice. Now, I'm generally not much of a drinker, but that was a lot of fun. Especially because we were the most casually dressed by a good way, yet we were drinking champagne and the mayor was knocking about. But as I pointed out, if you go to something like that dressed down, people might think that because you're not actually trying, you're the most note-worthy people in the room. Totally not true, but fun to think, at least!

Got home to find that my high numbers all day were now down in the threes. Annoying. But tomorrow's another day.

Posted by Becky at 23:05 | Labels: friends, hypos, nablopomo, theatre, work | 0 comments |

Posted by Becky at 21:01 | Labels: friends, hypos, numberwang, testing, type 1, work | 0 comments |

It's no secret (since I've mentioned it on here before), that I like reading Kerri Sparling's blog, Six Until Me. And over there, Kerri is blogging, like so many people out there in the online community, for Invisible Illness Awareness Week. Now, I've been wanting to do my part, and raise my voice, but what to say has been hard to come up with. And I think Kerri said it best, when she pointed out that, if you were to look at me, or take a picture, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with me. You'd have to look hard.

So, because it might be hard to see, here are my signs.

I wear a medical ID bracelet. (And yes, that picture is actually the stock photo off the website for my actual bracelet) As they go, it's actually rather nice. I was totally resistant to getting one at all, because I didn't want to 'flaunt' my diabetes. I wanted it to be invisible. But, I could hear in the tone of my Mum's voice, and sometimes from the things she flat-out said to me, that she was worried about me going hypo somewhere on my way home from a late night rehearsal of from stewarding, so on, so on. So it was mainly to appease her that I bought it. It's not so bad, I suppose.

If you look at the sides of my fingertips, they're covered in tiny marks from testing. This, I really hate. And laughably, as I just finished writing that sentence, my meter starts bleeping at me, telling me to test. 3.2mmol (58 mg/dl). Bring on the apple juice. I thought I'd felt a little shaky. But there you go. That's the point. I'm sat in the room with my flatmate, and because I'm not at the stage where my shaking is more than an inward feeling or slight tremor of my hands, there is absolutely no way of telling that there's anything wrong. Even knowing me, and knowing my diabetes the best out of my friends and family, there's really no way he could tell.

Recently, I've been trying to compose facebook messages to two friends of mine. One who I'm close with despite having not known her that long, and then another who I lived with and was super close with at university. The first I don't see often because she's over in America. The other, I haven't seen in nearly three years. Now, when they ask you 'what's new with you?', what am I supposed to say? Diabetes is obviously my big news, but how do you drop it into casual conversation? With people I haven't spoken to in a while, like a lot of my old uni friends, it's turning into my rather big elephant in the corner. And bless these friends, they're not ignoring the elephant, for their part, they don't even know that it's there. I can't do a big facebook announcement. I'm not going to call them all individually and tell them, I'm not going to email them just to tell them these things. It's not what you do.

I went to see doctors, and went in and out of hospital without mentioning this to a lot of my friends. My circle of friends who I see daily through work, and my friend Nick and his partner (who I am unbelievably close to, but lives the other end of the country. So we stay in touch mostly by phone, facebook and now Skype) were the only people who I told. In heading up for 5 months, I've only made one facebook status update relating to diabetes. And even then it was vague. I'm not ashamed of this. I haven't done anything wrong. But why would my friends on facebook care about my HbA1c, when I'm hypo, etc, etc?

This last weekend, I took part in a fundraising event with my work. It was a 24-hour Improthon, where there was non-stop improvised theatre for 24 hours. I did 13 out of those 24 hours, from 4am-5pm. I took injections whilst I was there, I tested my BS, I treated a hypo (dammit!). I had a few odd looks from some other people taking part. Mainly because some of these were people that I had either taught as a youth theatre leader, or had otherwise known for years. And they'd never seen me do these things before.

But how do I bring it up?

If they ask me a question, I'll answer, but how do you make something that is completely invisible, visible?

Well, diabetes is a chronic illness with currently no cure. I guess I've got time to try and figure it out.

And as a move forward, I may just make a facebook status to let people know that I'm blogging for Invisible Illness Week. Maybe some of them are just as invisible, and would like to be seen. Who knows?

xx

Posted by Becky at 22:54 | Labels: advocacy, diagnosis, friends, hypos, injecting, numberwang, testing, type 1, work | 0 comments |

Posted by Becky at 15:38 | Labels: advocacy, hypos, testing, type 1, work | 0 comments |