Instructions Not Included

Tomorrow will be the 14th July. Which means there is just over a month to go until The D Team challenge takes place. 

I've managed a couple of interesting things. I've moved up my weights, so that I'm using dumbbells weighing 10lb each, instead of the 5lb ones I was using before. I'd been finding doing chest flys unbelievably difficult with this weight increase, but I've pushed through and had a bit of a breakthrough this morning. I wasn't completely trashed after doing my set amount of reps! Hoorah! That means that I can start thinking about doing the amount of flys that I did with the 5lbs now! 

I've also twice now managed to break the 3k mark whilst doing ten minute free running on the Wii Fit. That's been one of my goals, so I'm chuffed to have managed to do it. Now, I know of course, that these are 'Wii Distances', not real world ones, but I'm still pleased. 

All in all, I've been finding doing these workouts before work difficult, but I have found myself enjoying them as well, which is pretty great, because although I've loved going to the gym whenever I've been able to afford it, I've never exactly been one for sticking to 'in my front room' type exercise. I have to attribute a good deal of this to encouragement from the wonderful Ginger Vieira. She's been really helpful, giving me advice via Twitter (yes, I am a hooked convert), and pointing me in the right direction. If you're after inspiration, I suggest looking at her latest vlog. See, women can do weights! Oh and Ginger, if you're reading, notice how I also slipped 'chuffed' in again, for you? ;)

You might be wondering what the heck the picture of someone dressed as Wonder Woman is doing on today's post. Maybe you're not - you might be wondering about something else. But I'm going to assume that you are for a moment. Admittedly, it's not the first time I've had Wonder Woman pay a visit, but this is not about that. For a really long time, I've so badly wanted an excuse to dress up as her. I haven't, for several reasons. First up, I haven't really had occasion. That's one of the main reasons. However, I've never felt comfortable getting my legs out. I don't like having them on show, and the only time I ever wear anything shorter than just above the knee is in bed, or if I'm going swimming. I just don't like my thighs - no-one really needs to see that, at the end of the day! They're about the size of Shropshire.

However, in the next fortnight I have the opportunity to dress up. But I noticed this morning, after doing my workout, that my thighs in general felt different. By that, I mean, more toned and not as flabby. Sure, this is almost certainly psychological, because I doubt that the fruit of my workouts would show this quickly. But I'm going to keep telling myself it's real. That way, I'll have another reason to keep it up after the challenge is done!  

In an attempt to cross another thing off The List though, I've had Andrew buying me costume things off Ebay. On top of him harassing customer services over my laptop on my behalf. He is on his holiday - I should really leave him alone! Thank you, Andrew - you did help me get the laptop back! 

I've also been 'let loose' today! I'm guest blogging for Allison at Lemonade Life today. Please do have a wander over there and check it out, particularly if you've not read her blog before - it's always a good read!

Posted by Becky at 22:10 | Labels: being thankful, exercise, fundraising, goals, guest post, INI let loose, the d team, training | 2 comments |

Posted by Becky at 23:45 | Labels: exercise, goals, testing, the d team | 1 comments |

Last week, I gave you the full run down of the challenge I was planning to undertake to raise money for JDRF. Today, I'm kicking off the fundraising.

I've already had an email from the JDRF offices, and they're sending me out a fundraising pack. On my end, I've set up the info HQ for the challenge. Take a look at The D-Team Page. On there are all the details about who we are, what we're doing and why. 

I've also set up a Just Giving page here, and I'd really love it if you could consider donating. Every penny that's donated, whether it's through Just Giving, or if you want to send a cheque, will be donated to JDRF. If you're even considering sponsoring me and my idiocy, a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The one big way that you guys could help me would be to tell others. Tweet the page, download the badge (made by the amazing Chris - thank you!) and display it on your blog, or website for a while. Tell your friends on Facebook, or a forum. 

We're hoping to raise at least £500.00 - there's no way we can do that without your help. 

It's time to get started! xx

Posted by Becky at 20:25 | Labels: advocacy, fundraising, goals, jdrf, nablopomo, the d team | 0 comments |

So, yesterday I told you that I managed to get over myself, and actually perform at an open mic night. Hooray! That's one to cross off the list. I've had a couple of people ask me about this on Facebook. To answer these questions:

1: I sang a song called 'Out The Door', by Kate Micucci (watch it on YouTube!) Most people haven't ever heard this song, and they're more likely to have come across her as either Gooch on Scrubs, or as part of Garfunkel & Oates

2: There is no video, as I didn't take my pocket-cam with me. Maybe next time! Andrew did take a couple of photos though, as seen here. Sadly the lighting wasn't particularly flattering to either me or photography in general

It did not go perfectly. I did made mistakes, and I was unbelievably nervous. Andrew suggested I try a bit of Dutch courage to 'bring down the nerves, and bring down the crazy' - or something to that effect! So I had a rather large glass of wine first, which is a dangerous chance for me, really, as I'm a notoriously easy drunk. Sometimes one glass is all it takes for me.

But I did it. It was terrifying, but it was great as well. All the people there were really lovely and supportive. I'm only really sad that where we went is so far out that it might very well be difficult to go out there again, as I don't drive. 

Training wise: I did my workout proper yesterday. Today I did my weights, but not the WiiFit routine, because I didn't go to bed til very late, and spent the whole day walking around a theme park. 

Many thanks for all the lovely sorts who have offered to fill in for me here whilst I'm away for a week next month. I do still have one spot left, so do send me an email if you're interested in writing a guest post.

On another note, I must apologise if you've been waiting for a reply to an email, comment, or private message from me for a while. My laptop has not been working for some time now, and I currently don't have it in my possession. I'm using Andrew's laptop to blog, which means I don't often get time to respond to most emails. So if you've not had a reply from me over anything, that's why. Oh, and I have my friend Nick visiting this weekend, so I'm rather tied up over the next few days!

Posted by Becky at 23:53 | Labels: being thankful, exercise, friends, goals, INI let loose, nablopomo, training | 1 comments |

Posted by Becky at 23:36 | Labels: goals, nablopomo | 1 comments |

I have a bit of a list, that I add to as I think of things. It's not quite a 'bucket list', but rather a list of things that I've never done, and want to get round to doing.

So far this year, I've crossed climbing a tree off that list. I've quite a few things on there, which vary from visiting Italy to actually seeing a firefly. Between now and Sunday, I'm hoping to cross one, and possibly two things off the list. 

Number one is going on a boat. No, seriously, I've never done it. Lots of people find this bewildering, but I honestly haven't. Boat cruise down the River Ouse - oh yeah.

Number two isn't a definite, but a strong possibility. This is playing my guitar in front of people. Singing at the same time, obviously. Of course I've sung in front of people many, many times before, but I've never successfully made my way through playing a song on a guitar in public.

I'm very nervous about it, and I'm not sure if it will actually happen. I feel it's probably going to be more of a case of putting my guitar in the car, and seeing whether or not I chicken out when I get there. I'm having a lot of problems as well with my fingers causing me pain on the fretboards, where I lance. Serious ouchies. 

Anyway, I'll let you know what happens.

In other news, workout was HARD this morning. I did not want to get out of bed, and I almost stopped half way through, because my arms were hurting me an awful lot. Thankfully I managed to get through it.

Something went rather wrong with my bolus for dinner tonight, and I ended up at somewhere between 14mmol/l and 16mmol/l (252-288 mg/dl). Managed to do a decent correction though, and at last check I was at 4.9mmol/l (88mg/dl). So I'll probably end up actually having to eat something before going to bed, as it turns out!

Posted by Becky at 23:55 | Labels: bolus, exercise, goals, hypers, injecting, nablopomo, training | 1 comments |

Hoorah! The Wii Fit Guy actually had some nice things to say to me this morning! Which was good, because I needed to hear him say something nice.

So, I promised to tell you what this was all for. Here we go!

What is it about?

It's about me, and friends (who will now be referred to as The D Team!) taking on a high wire obstacle course in Dalby Forest, Yorkshire. The date is yet to be securely fixed, but it will either be in mid August or very early September.

The course in question is run by a company called Go Ape. Since they themselves say it best, this is what they describe themselves as:

...we build giant obstacle courses up in the trees using ladders, walkways, bridges and tunnels made of wood, rope and super-strong wire, and top it all off with the country’s best zip lines (including the longest at 426 metres – check it out on You Tube).


We then kit people out with harnesses, pulleys and karabiners, give them a 30 minute safety briefing and training and let them loose into the forest canopy, free to swing through the trees. 

So that's zip wires, nets, tunnels, bridges. Oh, did I mention I'm claustrophobic, and I still have remaining issues with heights? Quite honestly, I'm also not in the right shape to take on a challenge like this. Which is why it's a challenge at the end of the day! Let's see what the course we're taking on has to offer during the two-three hours that it's estimated to take to complete it:

• Highest point: Site 4 Zip Wire 35m
• Longest Zip Wire: Site 4 Zip Wire 250m
• Longest crossing: Indian Bridge (site 3) 15m
• Total length of all crossings: 888m
• Number of crossings: 37
• Number of sections: 6

 I will complete this. Why am I doing it? I want to raise money for JDRF. I know I'm not alone in thinking this is an amazing charity that is doing really important work. They need our help. If that means I have to do something stupid, something beyond my capabilities, and something that's going to be really hard work for me, so that I can try and support them as much as I can - well, then I'm going to do it.

I'll be keeping you updated along the way, with more training reports, videos (almost certainly complete with the A Team theme tune, I'm sure), and more. What I'm hoping for is your support. 

I will be setting up a fixed page on here in the next couple of days, with all the details - details of the event, members of The D Team, and links to a page where you can make secure donations if you feel so inclined (which I hope you do!) I hope that when these details are up, you'll help spread the word, so you can all watch my quite probable humiliation, and help the team raise money for a fantastic cause.

No, it's not a marathon in the literal sense, but getting ready for this is going to be just as gruelling for me, if not more. 

And that's Day Four

Posted by Becky at 22:57 | Labels: advocacy, exercise, fundraising, goals, INI let loose, nablopomo, the d team, training | 3 comments |

Ever had a puzzle that you just couldn't figure out? I've had a few of them in my time. I used to have a Rubik's cube, but I got so fed up of the damn thing that I ended up putting it in a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child. We also used to own a puzzle that was actually a birthday present for my brother one year - it was a plastic box that had 3-D Tetris style pieces. The idea was to take the pieces out of the box, and then put them back in again. Most annoying puzzle ever. I think I couldn't have been any older than ten or eleven when this puzzle arrived in our house. I'm twenty-five now, and no-one in my family has ever managed to solve this thing. 

Puzzles can be immensely frustrating, so it's completely understandable that sometimes people need help or clues to help them get through the difficult bits. Which is why I'm a huge advocate of testing. 

The whole management of blood sugar is a huge puzzle - to get it to play fair, you've got to track it and learn to spot trends. Which is why I can't wrap my head around people who say you can test 'too much', or that testing more than four times a day makes you 'obsessive'. 

I don't see it that way. We're all in the same game here, which is trying to manage this thing the best we can. How are you supposed to spot the clues to help you do that if you don't test? Personally I test at least seven times a day - before each meal, two hours after, and before bed. It quite frequently ends up being more than that. I would never just 'guess' at what my levels were, because I'm a human being, and I'm more likely than not to get it wrong. If I were to try and guess too often, and it turned out I was guessing wrong, what sort of damage could I be doing to myself? 

No-one likes testing. I mean, come on - it does hurt, and there's no getting round that. It's not like we do these things for fun. So why are people testing more than four times a day doing it? Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but for me, it's so that I can feel that it's me in the driving seat, rather than diabetes. I don't want to leave these things down to chance. I carb count, so I need to test before and after, so I can check I've got the count right. I would also never not check before bed, because I need to make sure that I'm about 5mmol/l (90 mg/dl), otherwise I need to have a snack.

Aside from this, I add on any time I feel hypo or hyper, before I exercise, before I go out with Andrew on the back of the motorbike, if I'm not feeling well. I've also taken to testing at 15:00 when I'm at the office, as I tend to slump around then, and I want to make sure that I have a snack if it's appropriate.

Of course, there's only a point in testing if you know what the numbers mean, and know what to do with them. Otherwise, your meter might as well sing Baa Baa, Black Sheep to you. But if you know what the deal is? Well then I firmly believe that then you should have the ability and necessary supplies to test as much as you need to. 

Would I call that obsessive? Nope, not a chance. I don't think it's obsessive, when it's under the provisos that I've just mentioned. It's proactive. I thoroughly believe that I'm being proactive in looking after my health and my future. We're in a social climate now where we're all being encouraged to take control of our own health and well-being. So when you've got maintaining the best blood sugar management that you're able to, added into the mix, then surely that's just following advice generally given to everyone? After all, it's not easy, and sometimes we all need a few extra clues.

Posted by Becky at 23:36 | Labels: goals, hypers, hypos, nablopomo, numberwang, technology, testing | 1 comments |

This is a strange place to start this post with, but I do so love the Eurovision Song Contest! It's happening tomorrow night, for those of you not in the know, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's so wonderful in its camp naffness. With that in mind, I decided to go searching on Spotify for a song that I remembered from a previous contest. Turns out it was Latvia's entry in 2008.  The song was 'Wolves of the Sea' by....erm, Pirates of the Sea. Have a look at them performing at Eurovision on You Tube, and tell me it's not hilarious. As I said on Facebook and Twitter earlier today, you just don't get enough singing Latvian pirates during the rest of the year!


Problem was that after listening to it once, I listened to it a second time, because it cracked me up so much. And dammit if the song isn't actually catchy. So I spent the rest of the afternoon at work listening to it on Spotify, and thinking about pirates. 


So pirates. Obviously the glorified fictional kind, and not the very real modern day ones. Famous for treasure hunts and quests. On the trail of hidden booty, usually whilst wearing rather fantastic boots. Sometimes it turns out to be misleading, and X doesn't always mark the spot in the way you might think. Weirdly, I can relate. I also imagine that a lot of you out there can, too. 


So many of us living with diabetes are on the trail of some goal or other. Whether it's a better HbA1c, a pump, losing weight, more stable levels...the list goes on and on. For me at the moment, it's getting a better grip on my carb ratios, and having fewer hypos. Getting myself sorted generally, and into a better routine. 


Another thing that came to mind when thinking about pirates came because I'm currently re-watching The West Wing, (it fills me with hope!), and the episode 'And It's Surely To Their Credit' was on the other night. In the episode, several characters keep mixing HMS Pinafore with The Pirates of Penzance. Apparently, 'He is an Englishman' is in 'the one about duty'. As various characters point out though, when it comes to Gilbert and Sullivan, 'they're all about duty'. 


I love a bit of Gilbert and Sullivan (I really do!), and duty is an interesting thing to think about. Like pretty much every G&S is about duty, pretty much every person I've met in the DOC (diabetes online community for anyone who has been puzzled) has been about duty as well. Speaking I personally, I know that I feel a sense of duty to myself. No-one is going to do the work I need to do for me. If I want to look after my health, it's my duty to do everything that I can. 


I also see an amazing level of devotion to duty in the DOC from parents, friends, partners, spouses. People who don't have diabetes themselves, but are willing to step up to the mark, and fight. Fight for good health, fight for better public understanding, fight for the right to access proper and appropriate care. Now that's spirit for you. Pirates would be proud!


So welcome aboard the good HMS Diabetes! As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome whatever your treasure hunt may be. You're all pirates of the best kind. And if the ninjas decide to turn up for a fight, I believe we've got at least some of them on our side!

Posted by Becky at 22:01 | Labels: advocacy, being thankful, getting philosophical, goals, nablopomo | 1 comments |

I don't really 'do' New Year's Eve. I've never done the whole giant party thing. I'll either stay in and watch Jools Holland, or maybe go out for a meal with a couple of friends. And much as I don't do much for New Year's, I don't do resolutions either. I said in my first post of 2010 that I made one resolution years ago, which I kept. That was not to make any more resolutions. I'm very good at it as well. 

However, there are always things that could do with changing. These days, I'm trying to be all about the realistic goals. It's one of those jargon-y 'buzz' terms, but I think trying to keep things 'SMART' is actually a good thing. If you've not come across this before, it stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable  Realistic, Time controlled. 

But why should we confine these sorts of changes and decisions to New Year? The problem I find with New Year's Resolutions, is that they have such a huge amount of hype and pressure behind them that by the time you've reached the second week in January, you're setting yourself up for failure. From that first day of the year, fulfilling whatever goal you've got can seem huge. A year seems a long long time from the first of January. So why put that pressure on yourself? 

I think changing things because you want to, and not because you feel pressured into it is good and important. Change can be scary, but it doesn't always have to be, if you start with the small steps. Every journey starting with a single step, and all that jazz. One thing that I've been trying to come to terms with myself is that you can't control everything all the time. Trying to do that is like trying to keep sand in a sieve. You just can't. You've just got to do the best that you can. 

Failure isn't a great thing to think about as you try and make positive changes. But you know what? You might fail. Nobody's perfect. I know I'm not! I fail at things all the time - and I don't like it. That's normal, right? But the nitty gritty of it is that I think you're only a 'failure' if you tell yourself you're one, and you don't try again. It's not about how many times you fall, but how you pick yourself up again, I believe is the saying. 

Picking yourself up again isn't always easier, either. Especially when you're trying the best that you can and things still go wrong. It's disheartening. It's disappointing. But the great thing is that we can try it again if we get things wrong. We can start over. If you think of every day as being New Year, then to throw another saying out there, 'tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life'. And that's every single day.

Posted by Becky at 23:26 | Labels: being thankful, blog carnival, bureaux carnival, goals, nablopomo | 1 comments |

One of my (many, I'm sure) flaws is that I have absolutely terrible sleeping habits. Even I'm embarrassed by them. It's very rare that I'm in bed before midnight, and I'm a frequent oversleeper. I have two alarm clocks - one on my phone, and one old-fashioned clanger sort that goes like the clappers and is the size of a dinner plate. I still manage to sleep through them with alarming (I wrote that with genuinely no pun intended) frequency.

I need to get into a routine again. When I was at university, I'd be up all night quite happily, and I would be highly productive that way. I guess, in my mind, if I could do it then, I can do it now. But maybe I've changed? If I can drag myself out of my wonderful (but not as wonderful, and nowhere near as gorgeous as the one pictured!) bed earlier than I would like, I actually get a lot done early in the morning. My problem right now is how to get into a routine of up early, to bed early. I'm always tired!

Most of this is my own fault, and I'll admit that quite freely. However, I've found if I go to bed higher than I would like, I feel absolutely trashed in the morning. I don't know if this is true of anyone else, but it seems to be true of me. Case in point would be last night. Went to bed on about 13.9 mmol/l (250mg/dl), and woke up on around 7mmol/l (126 mg/dl). That's a fairly substantial drop overnight? Maybe it did something to contribute to the rather freaky dreams of last night. Something to chew over, I'm sure.

I remember bedtime routine as a child. My bedtime drink of choice was Vimto (do you guys have that in the States? It's amazing!) in a mug. The cordial version, of course. I don't know why it was always in a mug, but it was. I think tonight, to mark the start of my 'better sleep hygiene' (a weird term, surely?) might require Vimto in a mug. Then maybe I can start trying to get things done.

Posted by Becky at 22:23 | Labels: dreams, goals, hypers, nablopomo, sleep | 0 comments |

I was going to write about something completely different up until about five minutes ago. I started writing a different post, but then deleted it all. I want to talk about something else. I imagine this is more than slightly influenced by the fact I've been rather riled up, coupled by my seriously considering joining the Take Back Parliament rally in York on Saturday, but I've been thinking about the way I want to campaign for things more and more these days. I believe strongly in fairness. I believe in equality, and injustice bothers me down the the core. Social welfare is one of my major concerns in life. 

So with that in mind, it shouldn't surprise me, really, that I want to fight for the 'little guy'. For all those who are under-represented in the DOC and non-OC, who find themselves shafted, or thrown aside. Who see doors shut in their face. This sort of thing makes me unbelievably angry. Wrong doings in corporations? Oh don't get me started. 

It comes naturally that I'm firmly behind DiDkA. I've also spoken before on how I want to be a good advocate for Type Ones. I don't even know how to go about that, really, but I know that I want to be someone who is concerned with what is right, what is fair, and in helping people with diabetes access what they're entitled to in terms of education, resources and support. I'm still aiming to run the Rat Race Mean Streets Challenge in September to raise money for JDRF

Having been inspired by the amazing work of Circle D, (which, if you're not familiar with the group, is an awesome support group for 18-30's living with diabetes) I've moved to set up Circle D North Yorkshire, which is not really exclusive to North Yorkshire! If you're within travelling distance, you're more than welcome. If you, or anyone you know might be interested, please do check it and get in touch. 

But those of you who have greater and longer experience in such matters, I turn to you. How do you become a good, strong and positive advocate? What tips would you give me, and where do you think I should go? I've got my soap box out, and I'm ready to roll my sleeves up.

Posted by Becky at 23:18 | Labels: advocacy, didka, fundraising, goals, nablopomo, soap box | 1 comments |

Posted by Becky at 22:45 | Labels: dreams, goals, nablopomo, sieve brain moments, work | 4 comments |

If you took a poll of my friends and family, I'm sure general opinion would be much of the same. I'm not ladylike. Now, to be clear, it's not that I'm a ladette, or a lout of some sort. It's just that by obvious definition, I don't exactly embody the innate qualities of grace and elegance.

When I was in my teenage years, I can remember the shouts of 'spacial awareness!' from my Dad on a daily basis, as I would once again walk into the coffee table. Oh how that would annoy me. To be fair though, I do have the tendency to be a bit of a klutz. I have several different laughs. One of which sounds like I've swallowed a seal, and the other sounds like I'm a wounded moose. 

But just because I'm not pretty, don't wear make-up, or style my hair beyond drying and brushing, and I prefer jeans and trainers to pearls and heels, does that really make me un-ladylike? What makes a lady ladylike in the first place?

I had a quick google for 'how to be lady-like', and found a very helpful wikiHow, which gave me some food for thought. A huge part of being a lady has absolutely nothing to do with appearance. 

Choose your words wisely. I do believe that this is very important. There are a lot of things that I would like to say, but since I'm trying to regulate the frequent absence of a brain to mouth filter, I am practising the art of biting my tongue (or fingers) more these days. There are a lot of people online in the d-world. I don't necessarily agree with everything that's said. I'm very opinionated in a lot of matters, but I try to be respectful, even if I completely disagree with what a person says. If I can't phrase it properly, I often steer clear. Not because I'm not interested, but I think it's probably better to say nothing than to begin a tirade against a person or an idea that looks like bullying. I hate bullies, and I've vowed never to be one. I've always wanted to be someone that younger people can look up to. There is no way that I could ever be considered a decent role model if I blurted out things without thinking about the consequences.

Sharpen your mind. If it's all about the knowledge, then I think that I must be a lady in training. I don't think I've absorbed as much information as I have in the last year in a really long time. I think the first year with anything as life altering and new is a very steep learning curve. I think being pro-active has really helped with this. I read articles, I read books. I'm happy to talk with people, and educate when I can, and where it's appropriate. I think even writing this blog has been useful in helping me keep things together.

Having read through a few different articles, and looking through any comments about grooming, I see 'stand up tall to face the world'. That, I absolutely agree with. Everyone should try to do that - it's all about the confidence. If you don't feel it, at least try to pretend you do until you can get back up again. All of us, ladies or gentlemen, need to walk tall and proud - I think that's how you get people to take you seriously. I think as well, it's how you get people to believe that diabetes isn't going to stop us doing anything. That it's nothing to hide and be ashamed of. Doing so could go a long way to changing some of the public misconceptions about this disease. Misconceptions that I, for one, am getting tired of seeing.

So what do you think, ladies and gents? Could I be a lady-in-waiting? And would a pair of heels help me stand up a little taller?

Posted by Becky at 23:08 | Labels: advocacy, goals, soap box | 3 comments |

It's a strange thing, work. In general, we spend the majority of our week there. I know I do. I was reading this post over at Olivejooice about work, and it got me thinking. I've worked a whole bunch of jobs since I was old enough to be legally employed. I've been a waitress, a dishwasher, worked in retail with clothes, jewellery, newspapers, toys, electronics, chocolate, and food. I've worked in a library, I've stuffed envelopes. I've worked for the Health Protection Agency. I've been a secretary for an estate agent. I've been an actress. I've been a professional viking, and a professional fake archaeologist. Oh, and then the job that I do now. I'm also sure I've missed a few off there, but I'm not going to go through old CV's to make sure I've got them all! I think it's clear though, that I've had a lot of jobs. I don't like being unemployed. I haven't constantly had a job, even when I was doing my degree. But it's not far off the mark to say that for most of my employable life, I've been working. So to say that I spend the majority of my time at work is probably true.

I find it strange when people talk about their 'colleagues' or 'work friends'. To me, work is so much my life that most of my friends are my 'work friends'. And I love them. I don't know how I would have coped this past year if I'd worked somewhere else. Particularly if I'd still been working for my previous employer. I'm not going to name names publicly, but I could see my getting written up for 'not being able to work to standard'. I don't have much pleasant to say about that company. 

But I feel safe where I work. Not only do my best friends work there, but pretty much everyone there understands that sometimes I need to do things a bit differently. Which I appreciate so much. For the most part, if they don't understand something, they ask. They know there are Glucotabs in my bag. That sometimes a really bad hypo can leave me sluggish, and if I'm trying really hard to chug a Diet Coke, it's most likely for the caffeine to try and wake my brain up.

I hate feeling useless. I've been having (for me) some real highs as of late. I don't do double figures normally. But they make me feel anxious, jumpy, drained. I can't concentrate well. I get aggressive. When I'm low, I can be just as drained. I still can't concentrate. I can get weepy and scared. None of these things are particularly conducive to being productive in a worth environment. Of course, I'm always trying to control these numbers, and get rid of the highs and the lows, but sometimes that's just not possible. If you're reading, you probably know how it is (if you don't - it is difficult).

I like my workplace. But as much as I do, I'm not going to work there forever. Eventually, I will want a new challenge. What do I do then? I have several friends online who have told me about being 'let go' because of their diabetes, or who just haven't been able to find work in the first place. Some won't tell a potential employer. It's certainly something to think about.

I know in the UK I'm covered by the Disability Discrimination Act. This is interesting, because I don't like to think that I have a disability. Not that I have any problems with the concept of disability, but more because a) diabetes seems a strange thing to consider a disability, and b)I didn't think that it would ever happen to me. I guess no-one ever does. I've been told that, when applying for a job, if I say that I have a disability, in some instances I'm entitled to an automatic interview. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Do I look at it with the view of 'I don't want any favours, or pity. I just want to be judged on my merit alone.' or do I look at it as a foot in the door? I still don't know, as it's not something I've been thinking about for a long time. 

I'd like to say that diabetes doesn't change my ability to work to 100% all the time. But I'm forced to admit that it's just not true. I find myself thinking back to when I was completing my undergrad degree (BA Hons Performing Arts, if you're not aware), and the sorts of hours I used to work, and the kind of things that were required of me, in order to get a good mark. I'll give you an example from my second year. I was rehearsing a community theatre show for my own degree. I was also working as Deputy Stage Manager and Lighting Designer and Operator for a third year performance of Jesus Christ, Superstar at the same time. That was what we did. You were pretty much expected to do both performance and technical roles for third year performances. It wasn't necessarily written in the course syllabus, but it was part of the way things were. It was how you got better opportunities. It was how you learned. How you got ready for your own third year shows. So the production 'week', which was really three days, went something like this:

Wednesday day I had my own rehearsals all day. I probably got some food before going to see a performance of Sarah Kane's Blasted, which was in the main house theatre. After that show went down, begin the turn-around for Superstar. By the time the set is in, which is a LOT of heavy lifting, it was probably gone midnight. Then most of the production crew goes home, and myself and the Stage Manager begin rigging the lights. If you've never worked with stage lighting, these lights are heavy. Hanging them over a gantry, which has a low ceiling and about an eighteen foot drop, is hot, rather sweaty (sorry for the lovely mental image) work. We didn't finish this, but got told we had to leave because the theatre manager wanted to lock up, at about two thirty or three in the morning. I walk home, and after showering, get to bed at about four. Up at six, to be in by seven thirty. I think some food might have been eaten. More rigging, and trying to start focussing the lights. Go to my own rehearsals at ten. Break at one, but have to carry on focussing and trying to plot the lights onto the board. Back to my own rehearsals at two. Well, let's just say that I'm running on adrenaline and sugar, with no real break till gone past midnight again. Back again in the morning before nine. Show nights and my own rehearsals, until Saturday night, when we take it all down, and life goes on.

Could I do that now? No. I don't know if I could safely manage one day of that. At the time, it was all something I could just power through. It was all part of the game, and was 'hardening me up' to actually go into the profession. And in my ideal world, I would probably still be chasing acting work. But it's hard to get, and I seriously wonder if I'd be able to get a decent contract now, if I decided to passionately pursue it again. I'm not sure I would. I don't think employment law is quite the same in the arts, since they can turn me down for a job simply because they don't like the shade of my hair.

But does that mean I give up on the things I want to do? No it does not. Maybe I don't have good enough control to chase acting work again. Or maybe I've just gone past that point. Maybe I'll come back to it again. I just don't know. That's what's exciting about life really. I have my dreams, my goals, and my aims. I know what my ideal would be by the time I'm forty. I'm not going to let diabetes stop me doing any of the things I want to do. But it might be that I have to re-evaluate things a little. 

The only person on this planet that can give me the ultimate 'no' is me. I'm not saying no.

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the turtle, it was a present off our Education Assistant, Rosie, who left us today. She also brought in brownies. She carb counted out the recipe for me. Like I say - my work friends aren't 'work friends'. They're just my friends.

Posted by Becky at 22:55 | Labels: being thankful, d365, dreams, friends, goals, hypos, nablopomo, theatre, type 1, work | 1 comments |

Not a great picture today, (it's Diet Cola with Almond from Tesco's if you're interested. It's very nice!) but it does rather turn today's post back on to a subject that I'm sure you're aware is rather close to my heart.

DiDkA is starting to pick up a bit. We've got a proper logo now, and I'm going to carry on making amendments to the site in order to put it live, and start asking you all for much more help. It's my hope that we're going to make some serious headway soon. People over on Diabetes Support have all been working so hard and making such good suggestions - I'm so proud and so thankful for each and every one of them who have spent the time thinking about this.

Through the hands of the very lovely Shiv, over at Click of the Light, we have managed to get a letter to Richard Lane, the President of Diabetes UK, which will hopefully make them aware of who we are, what we're doing, and if we're lucky, make them want to help us. He's promised to get in touch. I find that I'm checking the DiDkA email account rather obsessively, and I don't want to be away from my mobile phone for too long. 

It's been strongly suggested by some of the wonderful people over at DS that I should take a day or so off from working on DiDkA. I've been saying on there, and on here, just how tired I've been lately, and how I just can't seem to shake it. I don't know why - I wish I did, to tell you the truth. The problem I have though is that my mind very rarely 'switches off'. It doesn't matter how hard I try. The moment when I'm trying hardest to relax is when I'll think of something I should have done, or shoul be doing now, or I'll come up with an idea that just can't wait until the next day. And I'll beat myself up about how I haven't done it already, how I'm not dealing with it now, or that I just can't turn off.

I'm really glad that things are starting to come together - I so badly want this to succeed. I also have other things that are weighing me down. I'll tell you about them more when I get written confirmation - for me it's very exciting though. But until I know for sure that things are going to happen the way I want, I'll fret and panic and so forth. 

Maybe what I'm after is just a moment to catch my breath. But when you never switch off, or even feel like you have the time to do that, how do you even begin? 

Answers on a postcard, people.

Posted by Becky at 23:32 | Labels: advocacy, d365, didka, friends, goals, guilt, nablopomo, soap box | 0 comments |

...which is the start to the still rather good song by the Barenaked Ladies. But it's also, to the best of my knowledge, a first for me since DX.

One week. No hypos.

Trust me, I'm very happy about this. But the thing is that I don't really know how I've done it. If I could tell you that, I think the sense of satisfaction would be a lot greater. But the thing is that I don't know how I've done it. Like I say, I am really happy about it, but aiming for a whole week free of hypos has been emotionally draining in a manner that I haven't admitted to anyone before writing this down. And why has it been like that? Because the whole thing has been like a competition. I felt like I was running against a stop-clock the whole time.

Knowing that my goal was to get that whole week meant I had something to aim for. Now unless you've met me in person, you might not know this about me, but I am actually HORRIBLY competitive. It's not that I don't want other people to do well, because I don't think I'm that mean. It's just that I love the rush of winning. Particularly in teams, if I'm honest. I think it's because I know that as an individual, I'm likely to lose. But put me with others and I've got a chance of contributing something.

So the thought of my hypo free week being a contest was both a good and bad thing. It was good in the fact that it fired me up inside. I could do this, and dammit, I would do it. But the thing was that I was watching the clock count down to midnight every night, to say to myself that I had made it another day. But as I managed another day without, and got closer and closer to that last day, I started feeling a gnawing feeling inside of me. What if I failed? What if, despite telling myself I would do it, I simply couldn't? At the end of the day, I'm fighting my own body, in all its broken-ness. Would I just end up with overwhelming feelings of disappointment, failure and self loathing? Was I just perpetuating self-defeating behaviours, or was I setting myself a realistic goal? (On the topic of self-defeating behaviours, I highly recommend listening to the podcast on overcoming them on Chronic Babe)

Last night was day seven. And at 22:00 last night, the meter read 3.9mmol/l. One test, two test, three test. They all came up with 3.9. And to get three completely identical tests, without not even 0.1mmol/l variation is SO rare for me that I can't even begin to explain it. I was so close to screaming, crying, smashing up whatever was at hand. I don't know how I didn't, to tell you the truth. Give it five minutes, I said, and see what it says. If it goes back up, it's a meter error. And it did go back up. 4.8mmol/l. False alarm. But what was I doing to myself to achieve this goal? Realistic goals are a great thing, I'm a firm believer in that. But this victory has a slightly bitter taste to it. Because I've been on edge, constantly waiting for this to fall apart. And now, as soon as I find myself having a real hypo, I'm going to feel like a failure. It doesn't matter what I managed before. 

So the victory tastes bitter. Possibly because a part of my mind has gone 'Well, if you managed a whole week without hypos, maybe this whole diabetes thing isn't real.'. Now don't even get me started on how freaking stupid that is. (Plus, I'll be talking about that tomorrow, probably) But it is real, and eventually this winning streak is going to end. 

This clip from an episode of Scrubs in which Dr Cox and Elliot are chasing a 'perfect game' - a whole 24 hours with no-one dying really says everything for me. And really I should listen to Dr Cox. Watch it (even though this clip from the DVD doesn't have the original music on it, which was much better)

And to end back with the Barenaked Ladies, 'It's been one week since you looked at me, threw your arms in the air and said 'You're crazy!''

And I probably am a little bit. But aren't we all?

Posted by Becky at 17:03 | Labels: goals, guilt, hypos, numberwang, type 1 | 1 comments |

I'm breathing deeply in for the count of eight. Hold and release to the count of eight.

I am a temple of calm. I am a leaf on the wind.

Oh who am I kidding? No-one, that's who. Now, I'll be straight up with you - I get frustrated a lot. I get mad. I get wound up. But it's a rare few people who have ever seen me be full-on, red capital letters ANGRY. And it's a cliché I know, but you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I'm not fun. 

But what the rage does sometimes give you, if you channel it right, is passion. It does for me. I don't like injustice. I don't like seeing people beaten down or treated badly. So seeing injustice on both a personal scale, such as with my friends, or on a larger scale, really makes me wish there was more I could do.

I have a bit of a not-so-well-hidden love for Wonder Woman. I don't know why really, since I've never read the comics, or particularly watched the old TV show. But trust me there are days that I wish I was Wonder Woman. I could help right the injustices that make me so mad. 

I'd get Sam over at Talking Blood Glucose her pump. I'd sort out all the Type 2's I'm friends with with their test strip problems. I'd get CGMs for the people that need them. Then I'd go global and put the world to rights. Because I just can't take seeing people hurting.

So now I think it's only fair to talk quickly about something that made me so mad that I just had to do something about it. 

I've become fairly heavily involved with a project called DiDkA, which stands for Diet Drink Awareness. You'll probably hear a lot about it on here from now on. It started out because some of us over at Diabetes Support got very, very angry about stories of people being served full sugar drinks when we've asked for diet, and seeing our blood sugars soar. So we've decided to try and recruit people to our cause. So I'm asking you, dear reader to get behind us. Join us on FaceBook, follow us on Twitter, and bookmark our website. It's all going live hopefully by the start of March, where we're approaching Diabetes UK, starting an information-gathering campaign and hoping to convert anywhere that sells soft drinks, by signing them up to the DiDkA pledge. Right now, we need your numbers. We're also going to need your stories. We need people to stand up and say 'This is what happened to me! This is dangerous, please listen!' Will you stand up with us?

I'm standing up. I'm getting political. Because I'm angry.

Posted by Becky at 22:52 | Labels: advocacy, didka, friends, goals, numberwang, soap box | 0 comments |

Posted by Becky at 23:57 | Labels: advocacy, being thankful, dreams, goals, nablopomo, type 1 | 0 comments |

So, it's been a while. I don't know why I seemed to fall off the blogging wagon (as it were), but I've a plan to counteract this, to the point where those of you who follow this will probably be yelling at me to shut up.

NaBloPoMo. It's hard (but fun) to say, and I imagine it will be exactly the same to do. It's a blog post a day for each day of November. It comes, as I understand it, from the same school of thought as NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month). Now, I was hoping to take part in NaNoWriMo this year, but for the life of me, I haven't been able to come up with anything that seems worth writing, or that isn't a complete hash of already existing novels. So, with the aim of doing Script Frenzy in April, I thought I would give this a try. Plus, as  Northerner pointed out, I have been neglecting this, so here's the remedy.

So it's update time, since I've been absent for most of October.

Now, a while ago, I talked about how I've always wanted to dance. And I promised that I was going to start doing some ballroom dance classes. For once, I've had some follow through. I signed up as a member of York Dancesport, and thus far, I have done two days of lessons, and a practice session yesterday. As of yesterday, I've covered beginners' and improver's Cha-Cha-Cha, beginners' Waltz (which was great fun, but a complete disaster!), and beginners' and improver's Quickstep. And the verdict? It's totally amazing! I highly recommend it to anyone, because it's just so much fun. I've been dancing with a lovely guy called Ben, who's also a total novice, just like me, so that's great. I'm already looking into buying my first pair of dance shoes (I'll not get started into what a minefield that is. I'll save that for another day!). Roll on next Saturday, where we'll be tackling improver's Quickstep and beginners' Jive. As I've said before, I've done Jive in the past, so here's hoping it might be my dance! Watch this space!

 

In other news, I went to go and get my seasonal flu jab yesterday. I've been offered it for years now, because as well as having diabetes, I also have asthma. Thankfully, it doesn't seem to bother me as much as it used to when I was younger. I rarely ever need to get out my inhaler, but trust me, when I do, I'm extremely thankful that it's there. Yet, because I've always seemed to have a pretty solid immune system, I've never bothered with the flu jab. Of course, the irony that in the past I've had a stonkingly good immune system, yet now have an auto-immune disease is not lost on me. But having heard that flu, which I'm told is never fun, also can throw your BS control completely out of whack, I decided that I'd actually go and get it this year.  

Over at Diabetes Support, there's been a fairly extensive discussion over not only the seasonal flu vaccine, but also the H1N1 (swine flu) vaccine, and whether or not to get it. I hadn't really made up my mind on the issue, but I was leaning more towards the getting it side of things. I personally get completely befuddled over the whole 'anti-vaxx' school of thought,  but even I had a moment of doubt when it comes to getting a vaccine that hadn't been trialled on a huge wave of people (as best I understand the issue - I'm more than willing to be corrected!). But when I was at my surgery, they asked if I wanted it as well, because they could do them both there and then. So I said yes. This was, I'll be honest, mostly a laziness on my part, in that I didn't really want to have to go back a second time, when I could get them both done in one go.  For those interested, the needles are really tiny, and if you look the other way, it's a small, sharp scratch, and then it's done. The worst that can apparently happen, is that your arm feels a bit achy for a while. And that is true, because my left arm is a bit achy, but apart from that, everything else seems fine.

The one thing I wasn't particularly impressed with about the whole thing was that I hadn't actually received a letter about the seasonal flu vaccine - I happened to see it on the top of one of my prescription slips. I gave the surgery a ring to make sure that it was still on, and to ask whether I should have received a letter. The receptionist was exceedingly snotty, and told me 'It's been advertised in the surgery, and we haven't sent out letters for the last two years'. Well, that's all very well and good, but I've only been registered with them for six months, and since the majority of my diabetes care is done via the hospital, and I order prescriptions over the phone, and use a collection service, how on earth am I meant to know that?!  So, I ask about the H1N1. Apparently she didn't know anything, couldn't tell me anything. I asked whether I would get a letter about this, or was this something I wouldn't get a letter about either? 'Well, you'll have to wait and see what your letter says, won't you?' *facepalm* Oy vey.

Anyway, I'm up at the hospital tomorrow morning anyway, to go and see one of my dieticians. I say one of them, I seem to have acquired two, which is a bit strange. As is the whole reasoning behind this appointment, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

So, to shed some light on the title of this entry. Today is the first of November, which means, as of today, I have been living and dealing with diabetes for a whole six months. Which is strange, when I think about it. It's like so many things in life, which can seem like an instant and an eternity depending on what details you decide to focus on. Six months is a milestone, but it's also a complete nothing, when I think about how long I'm going to potentially be handling this for, and how long other people I know have been living with it for. It's pause for thought, at any rate.

What am I doing to celebrate? Well, I'm currently trying to wash chocolate off a bedsheet (it really IS chocolate, I promise. My friend Nick came to see me last weekend, and as a joke, I put a wrapped Lindor chocolate ball on his pillow, which he forgot about, and went to sleep on), and there is no prospect of cake, unless I decide to make some. Which I could. I'm good at that, which some of you will know. But I probably still won't....although now I'm thinking about it. Hmm.....

 

Posted by Becky at 16:25 | Labels: appointments, diagnosis, dreams, goals, nablopomo, type 1 | 1 comments |