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ZOE
Probably plasma, insulin, whatever
they ain't got enough of on the
border moons.

So, just let me clean up all these test strips off the bed, then... 

My work sometimes takes me to some odd places. Today it was ASDA (big name supermarket for you US-ers. Think Walmart). We have a party hire in the theatre tomorrow, and we had to go and buy alcohol for making cocktails. Tomorrow night I'm making cocktails, baby. For the record, for some unknown reason, this has made me have DuckTales theme in my head al day. Or more specifically, Garfunkel & Oates going 'DuckTales! Woohoo!'. But I digress.

So I've been trying to get some high numbers back under control. I've tweaked my basal slightly, and altered my morning ratio. Both these seem to be working, but it appears that for my lunch, I either over 'guestimated' the carbs, or over bolused. Or, which is more likely, a bit of both. Which meant I was walking over to get limes, and suddenly went 'ok, things are starting to wave around a little bit here. Better check things'. 

Numberwang says 2.4mmol/l (43mg/dl). That would be why then. Have some Glucotabs, buy some chocolate, because hey, as slow acting carb it works for me, and I can get hold of pretty much any that I want, since I'm smack bang in the middle of the supermarket. Sit down in the cafe. Eat the chocolate. Feel sick.

Now, it takes me full on forty minutes, and a second go at Glucotabs and chocolate to get myself to 4.1mmol/l (73 mg/dl). I then spend the rest of the afternoon dancing around high numbers. I tried not to test too much, but I was at least 11mmol/l (198 mg/dl) for most of the afternoon. 

Better luck tomorrow. But hey, I learned how to make Ginger G&T's, Mojitos and Tijuana Slings this afternoon. It also turns out that ASDA now sells FairTrade lemons. So it's not all bad, I suppose.

Oh, it's so easy to think that you've hit your stride. That you're in the swing of things. You get into a routine, and certain things just become habit.

After those things become habit, the,...n you start branching out and experimenting a bit. So it's always more than slightly annoying when you realise that something you thought you'd totally got to grips with knocks you on your arse.

I'd got to grips with splitting doses, or so I thought, at any rate. Tonight though, I found myself so preoccupied with trying to work out the right amount of NR to cover my meal (which required a split dose), that I just injected it all at once, feeling proud that I'd worked out the amount correctly.

It took me a few seconds before I my heart sink, and I shouted out something a bit rude. Still not all second nature then, it appears!

We had cake in the office again today. I was 'good', and did not partake. However, I decided that in honour of the fact it is no longer absolutely freezing, I wanted ice cream. I have just finished it, and it was very good. 

Before diabetes, my diet wasn't exactly a shining example of excellent nutrition. It wasn't awful, don't get me wrong. But I probably would have had the cake, and also had the ice cream, and not given it a second thought. Now, on the other hand, I didn't have the cake, because it was a (pretty great looking) home made cake, and I wasn't confident that I could come up with a decent carb estimate. And I weighed the ice cream. My scales are pretty good friends now. They're out all the time on my kitchen table, and if I'm at home, I weigh most things. Cereal, pasta (ice cream). Not rice for some reason - I've never worked out why I don't weight that. I'm strange? That seems like the most realistic reason. 

I hear a lot of people saying 'insulin makes you gain weight'. I don't understand this, myself.  It could be because I've re-evaluated my diet, portion size control and exercise, but I've continued to lose weight. I may be naive about it, but I don't see why there's any reason that you would put on weight, if there aren't extra factors involved.  I know that insulin helps you turn unused carbohydrates to fat, but so does insulin in everyone non-diabetic, surely? I don't think that you can accuse diabetes for that? If you were eating and not burning off the same amount of carbs, it would make you put on weight regardless of whether or not you have diabetes.

Now I don't want anyone to think that I'm having a go at people who struggle with their weight. That would be unbelievably hypocritical of me, as someone who has a lot of issues with her size, and has battled with issues with food. I just find this thing confusing, and haven't really seen any scientific proof that insulin makes you gain weight, rather than it being what you're putting in your mouth. I would be both happy and extremely interested to read any studies anyone could point me to, though!

I definitely think about food differently now, though. I'm starting to build up a mental guide to how much carb is in many items. A glass of juice, a slice of bread, half a tin of baked beans, my usual portion of pasta. I'm nowhere near fluent in the 'language' of carb values yet. I used to sleep with my radio on when I was younger. This meant that I acquired a rather sponge-like ability to soak up music and lyrics. I'm rather encyclopaedic, which you'll know if you've ever met me in real life. Maybe I need to make a song out of all of this?

I've been spotting a bit of a trend lately. I've been seeing people in all different places online who are, for various reasons, starting using insulin. Some are newly diagnosed Type 1's. More are Type 2's who have progressed onto requiring insulin. This isn't the trend I'm referring to though. What I have spotted is that there seems to be a lot of negative feelings associated with this.

I hear 'failure', 'guilt', 'my fault', and 'bad'. It seems that insulin has acquired a stigma. As though it is some sort of punishment for misbehaving. This makes me really very sad. 

Starting using insulin can be scary. It can be frightening, especially if you're not sure what to expect. I can appreciate that, I really, can. I remember how unnatural it felt to insert a needle into my arm for the very first time, all the while thinking 'I'm sure my parents, countless teachers, and 'special' episodes of TV shows told me that this sort of thing was a bad idea'. I remember sitting on the floor of my living room the first evening after being discharged from hospital, and having to do my first completely solo injection. I believe I even said aloud 'I'm not sure that I can do this'. 

But do you know what? You do it. Some people might cry, some might shout and rage, but the world will keep on turning, and the second time simply can't be as bad as the first. You've done it once before - there's no reason that you can't do it again. It will never be fun. There won't be a full musical number, or kittens and rainbows. I'd love it if there was. I'm a big musical nerd, adore kittens, and everyone likes a rainbow. But there won't be. At the end of the day, you're putting a needle into yourself. However, there is a positive to all this. It's what you're injecting in.

It's not made of gold, or starlight, or pixie dust, but insulin is a little bit magic, when you get down to the nitty gritty. We didn't always have this option - the simple fact that we do have the ability to inject, and control the way we do is close to a miracle in my eyes. All you need to do is think for a moment about the time before insulin, and then, for an instant, it does take on the qualities of pixie dust.

I know the journey for Type 2, and I suppose that of people with LADA as well, onto insulin is bound to be different to mine. I didn't really have that delay, that time of building up the event in my mind to be this huge thing. It was either have insulin there and then, or wait a day (it seemed as thought it only would have been one day more, from the way they talked to me about it), come in unconscious in a coma and have insulin then. It was as blunt as that.

But if you've got a longer journey, possibly starting with diet and exercise, then medication, then finally to be told that insulin is what's needed?  I can see how one could try blaming themselves. The thoughts of 'I mustn't have tried hard enough', 'I've done something wrong', or 'this is my fault'? Very understandable, but if you're thinking that, do you want to know a dirty little secret?

It's not your fault, and you're not to blame. Some things just don't work for some people, and you've got to look down a different road for the control. It's nothing shameful, injecting is nothing to be embarrassed about, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Otherwise let me at them, and I'll set them straight.