Instructions Not Included

I'm none too bright or on the ball today. I was slightly on the low side before going out on the motorbike with Andrew, so I had some juice and a handful of cereal before going out, since past experience has shown that I go quite low when out on a ride. by the time that we'd got back though, I was actually fairly high. Still needed to eat dinner, but that ended up being quite late.  Also made the poor choice of pasta, which meant splitting the dose. Further high levels, and blah, blah, blah, meant I ended up going to bed at past 2am.

Tired now, as I'm sure you'll understand. But life goes on. It's all about getting the timing right. Food against insulin, against exercise. You know the score. 

Tuesday night is Dancesport night. Tonight Ben and I were doing the Lindy Hop. Now that is hard work! There were two classes lined up, but we only ended up doing the first. However, we actually seemed to be ahead of the curve for once! If we spent a bit more time on this one, I think we could end up being really good at it. What happened though, was that I ended up burning off my sports drink in the first hour, and we were both absolutely exhausted. 

Now, I take the bus from work up to the class and back, and if I stay for the second class, then walk the two miles back home. If I come home after the first, I can get a bus back from work to my flat. Exhausted as I was after the first hour, I would have loved to do the second - but was it going to be a good idea? Probably not. Being as I'd burned off that sports drink so quickly, I didn't think doing another hour that fast paced and then walking home afterwards would be a good idea. If I added all that extra exercise, and then didn't eat til late?

Moral of this story, I guess? Lindy Hop is amazing, but sometimes you can't always do what you want, when you want, because you know the timing will turn round and kick you if you do.

In other news, I'm featured in today's Blog Carnival over at Chronic Babe - lots of articles that are well worth a read!

Ever had a puzzle that you just couldn't figure out? I've had a few of them in my time. I used to have a Rubik's cube, but I got so fed up of the damn thing that I ended up putting it in a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child. We also used to own a puzzle that was actually a birthday present for my brother one year - it was a plastic box that had 3-D Tetris style pieces. The idea was to take the pieces out of the box, and then put them back in again. Most annoying puzzle ever. I think I couldn't have been any older than ten or eleven when this puzzle arrived in our house. I'm twenty-five now, and no-one in my family has ever managed to solve this thing. 

Puzzles can be immensely frustrating, so it's completely understandable that sometimes people need help or clues to help them get through the difficult bits. Which is why I'm a huge advocate of testing. 

The whole management of blood sugar is a huge puzzle - to get it to play fair, you've got to track it and learn to spot trends. Which is why I can't wrap my head around people who say you can test 'too much', or that testing more than four times a day makes you 'obsessive'. 

I don't see it that way. We're all in the same game here, which is trying to manage this thing the best we can. How are you supposed to spot the clues to help you do that if you don't test? Personally I test at least seven times a day - before each meal, two hours after, and before bed. It quite frequently ends up being more than that. I would never just 'guess' at what my levels were, because I'm a human being, and I'm more likely than not to get it wrong. If I were to try and guess too often, and it turned out I was guessing wrong, what sort of damage could I be doing to myself? 

No-one likes testing. I mean, come on - it does hurt, and there's no getting round that. It's not like we do these things for fun. So why are people testing more than four times a day doing it? Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but for me, it's so that I can feel that it's me in the driving seat, rather than diabetes. I don't want to leave these things down to chance. I carb count, so I need to test before and after, so I can check I've got the count right. I would also never not check before bed, because I need to make sure that I'm about 5mmol/l (90 mg/dl), otherwise I need to have a snack.

Aside from this, I add on any time I feel hypo or hyper, before I exercise, before I go out with Andrew on the back of the motorbike, if I'm not feeling well. I've also taken to testing at 15:00 when I'm at the office, as I tend to slump around then, and I want to make sure that I have a snack if it's appropriate.

Of course, there's only a point in testing if you know what the numbers mean, and know what to do with them. Otherwise, your meter might as well sing Baa Baa, Black Sheep to you. But if you know what the deal is? Well then I firmly believe that then you should have the ability and necessary supplies to test as much as you need to. 

Would I call that obsessive? Nope, not a chance. I don't think it's obsessive, when it's under the provisos that I've just mentioned. It's proactive. I thoroughly believe that I'm being proactive in looking after my health and my future. We're in a social climate now where we're all being encouraged to take control of our own health and well-being. So when you've got maintaining the best blood sugar management that you're able to, added into the mix, then surely that's just following advice generally given to everyone? After all, it's not easy, and sometimes we all need a few extra clues.

What is going on at the moment? Can anyone tell me? All of a sudden, it's like someone has flipped some sort of switch, and things are either not working or breaking. I've also noticed this strange vibe going around, both online and offline. I blame the heat. It does make people act differently - I know it does for me.

But to add to the broken medical alert bracelet, and the missing Frio Wallet, (which I have STILL not found) I now have the broken lancing device! The Microlet 2 lancer that came with my Contour USB decided to break today. Either that, or I'm just much stronger than I think I am when I'm hypo.  And whilst I am genuinely quite strong, I don't think that's the case. Thankfully I have several other lancing devices, so it's not a problem. Otherwise it would have meant resorting to just sticking myself with the lancet. My mum does that, and I seriously couldn't bring myself to test that way. I'm squirming now just thinking about it!

So that means, I have missing, broken and binned items. Man, you think I would have had enough with just the broken pancreas, wouldn't you?

It's ended up turning in to one of those days, it really, really has. We've got a show in the theatre tonight, which means working late. However, half our staff are away, which means we're understaffed. On a normal evening when we have the public in the building, we have three members off staff on. Tonight, we had two - myself and Andrew. 

So, I'm busy doing box office (shocking), and we're about five minutes off opening the house. I'm feeling a bit wibbly, and I'm pretty sure a hypo is headed my way, but unfortunately, box office is busy, and my meter is in the other room. OK, I think, I can wait a couple of minutes to check. 

Then the fire alarm goes off. Oh yes, you heard me right. ANOTHER fire alarm with me in the building. Thrills! So, good, responsible little steward that I am, I make sure everyone is out of the building. It's not going to be fire, I know that - it's going to be the haze machine combined with the fans in the theatre kicking up dust. For some reason, that sometimes sets off the alarm, as has been previously observed by the times our Stage Manager, Rob, has set the alarm off with his sander. But we get everyone out, and I'm running up and down the stairs (we have quite a few), to check all the levels. Everybody out, everything is safe, everybody in. 

Wait a few minutes, serve lots more drinks. OK, I feel REALLY low now. I drink some juice off the bar, but I'm shaking on the insides, I'm sweating, and I can feel waves of heat rushing up and down me. Lovely. A couple of minutes later, I see a window of opportunity, and I run off and grab my meter, and try to check. 

Shunk, goes the lancet. 

No blood. Try another finger.

Shunk goes the lancet.

No blood this time either. Grrr!

Flick my arm to try and get some blood to my fingers.

Medical ID bracelet flies off my wrist, and is now a bunch of beads cluttering the floor between the box office and halfway through the main office. Well, that's just peachy, isn't it? I start picking them up, and try again to test.

Shunk goes the lancet.

4,3,2,1, numberwang says......3.2mmol/l (57.6mg/dl) AFTER juice?! Aw man. I'm seriously sweaty and swaying by now. I go back over to the bar.

So being as I'm supposed to stay downstairs as Duty Manager, whilst Andrew goes upstairs (ironically, mostly in case of a fire-related emergency, ha ha ha(!) ), I decide to possibly over treat this, so that he knows I'm not going to drop whilst I'm working alone downstairs, and can't get to anyone. 

Pour another glass of apple juice and down it. Then pour another glass (they're very small). I pause to look at it. There's mould floating in it. Well, isn't that just LOVELY? And isn't it good we hadn't had anyone buy any? I couldn't have noticed this before I'd drunk two glasses of it though, could I?

I drink a bit of orange juice instead, and grab a bar of chocolate off the bar as well, thinking that my bar tab is rocketing up by this point. Everyone goes up, and I sit down at my desk.

I post a cry for help on Twitter, Facebook, and Diabetes Support, saying I was on my own, and could anyone who had my mobile number check on me in ten minutes or so?

And bless their hearts, did people come through for me? Sam, Siobhan and Tom all texted me within a matter of minutes, asking if I was ok, did I have stuff to treat with, etc.

I was climbing slowly. 4.9, 5.2, all the way up to 6.8mmol/l (122mg/dl). Still felt like utter rubbish though, and my WORD was I hungry by now?

Interval comes, and we do a roaring trade on the bar. But I want to go home. Show has just finished, and now I'm at 10.7mmol/l (192.6 mg/dl), and I'm still having to think much harder than normal to type this correctly. 

Is it home and bed time yet? How was your day?

I've been way behind on my logging. And no, not the sort in the picture. I'm onto my third log book now, as provided by my clinic.

I've said time and time again that I struggle to kick myself into being organised. I also struggle from sieve-brain in a lot of areas. Oh yes, I can be a real winner!

It's been a couple of weeks where Andrew has been going to me 'Logbooks?'. It actually doesn't need to be a sentence, because it only takes that one word to get me going 'Yes, I know, I know, I'll do it tonight.'. Which I invariably would not do. 

But what's a girl to do? I know if I were to do it daily, it's a task that wouldn't be any sort of issue. I'll say to myself that I will sit down at the end of every day and log my scores, and I'll keep that up for maybe three days. I'm such a procrastinator. Now kids, listen to your Aunty Becky -  don't procrastinate. It's not cool. It just means you've got loads of rubbish to deal with later.

So tonight, it seems that my putting off doing my log books had gone on long enough. We eventually resorted to bribery. Not that it was called bribery. Hoovering the stairs, giving the George Forman grill, and taking out the bins, since it's bin night, were all the things it was decided I would have to do if I didn't sit down and write up my logs.

So I did. I really, really hate taking out the bins. It turns out that though it's immensely tedious, it was quite interesting. I hadn't logged since the end of March. Bad, bad Becky. I've had way more hypos than I perhaps had realised. On the flip side though, I've had more 'reasonable' days than I'd been anticipating.

I know I should do it more often. It's hard to see any sort of patterns if I don't write it down. The Contour USB is great for showing me trends and patterns. However, because my own laptop is being seriously squiffy at the moment, I haven't got access to my graphs. Which is making me sad. But the game of 'what the HECK happened on that day?!' is both frustrating and fascinating in almost equal measures.

But don't do what I do. You can do it better! I'm just an idiot who needs to get her butt in gear, really! I better. Otherwise it's bin night again this time next week. And the stairs will need hoovering again, I'm sure.

I've been holding off on this a little while, because I wanted to give it my full attention. I didn't want to rush into a review without considering what I was going to say.

Overall, I'm impressed with all the great features that the meter offers, and I'm going to try and be pretty thorough in this review! You might want to grab yourself a drink before you start reading.

I have been extremely excited about the release of this meter. From everything I'd heard from those in the US, and those who had seen advance versions, I was expecting great things. So when Bayer contacted me and asked me if I would like a complimentary one in exchange for an unbiased review, I jumped at the chance.

I will say that I haven't been using the meter long, and that my opinion might change as I use it long term, but these are my impressions at the present time.

Opening the box, I will admit that I was expecting the meter itself to be smaller. Possibly because I hadn't really seen it pictured in relation to anything. Yet, it's still markedly smaller than my Contour, which love it as I may, I have always found to be a touch on the bulky side.

Appearance wise, it's very sleek, and if you were conscious of bringing out your meter in public, this would be a very sensible choice of kit for you. Streamline and smart, you could easily mistake it for an MP3 player or similar. I would have liked the option of a covering film for the screen, to prevent scratches, or a silicone 'skin' to protect it in a similar vein to what I use on my MP3 player. It's not a drawback to the meter, but perhaps it is something Bayer could think about offering further down the line - I'm sure that there would be a market for it - everyone likes the option of making thing customisable.

Along with the meter, you get a case, which looks as though it will be hard-wearing. I have found it difficult to zip up without the meter popping out, but that could just be me, more than a fault in design! Along with the case, you get a pot of strips, testing solution, a USB extension lead, which is a nice extra touch (you can also register for a free wall charger), and the Microlet 2 lancing device. It also comes with multicoloured lancets, which excited me more than should be appropriate for a twenty-five year old woman!

I've not exactly been shy of complaining about having difficulties with my lancing devices as of late. When I upgraded my old Contour to a newer version, I got a Microlet 2 lancer. At first I was extremely impressed with it, but it got more and more painful to use as time went on. I think the spring action it broke down, and lost the initial power that it had. Perhaps I have a faulty unit, because this new one has been excellent so far. It's not painless - I don't think lancing ever will be. However, it has been pretty consistent in getting blood. If this continues, I can keep this as my primary lancing device, and keep the One Touch Comfort in reserve for lancing emergencies.

One thing you can't say is that you're not provided with enough literature. I was slightly overwhelmed with the amount of paperwork that there was included. If I had been someone else, I might have found that a touch intimidating, I think. However, if you're fazed by the amount of potential reading, there is the option of a 'Quick Reference Guide', which is mostly one sentence style instructions, each illustrated. If you're just wanting to get started before delving any deeper, or just want to test with no other features, then this is really helpful. Yet, I have to feel that if all you wanted to do was just test and turn off again, then this is a huge waste of such an intelligent meter.

Testing is pretty straightforward. Insert the strip, and follow the instructions on the screen. There's a backlight function, which will inevitably be very useful. I haven't tried testing in the dark yet, so I'm not sure whether the point of strip insertion lights up as well. If it doesn't, I may well find putting strips in when it's dim quite difficult, because I've missed a couple of times in broad daylight. That's more to do with rubbish hand-eye co-ordination than anything else though.

The meter is notably polite! It explains everything in a nice manner, even if you're doing something wrong. I'm also impressed with the ability to 'mark' your results, not just with pre and post meal markers, but with options such as 'don't feel right', 'stress', and 'activity'. The number of times I've tried to scribble notes like that against my logbooks in the past make that a very attractive feature.

The instruction manual lets you know that if you get an error code whilst testing, you'll still get the error code on the screen, but you'll also get an explanation of what the code means, rather than having to go look it up. What a fantastic idea! The only ones I can ever remember are that I've put the strip in the wrong way, or that I've not given enough blood, so anything other than those completely stump me. Should you also get a particularly high or low reading, the meter tells you to wash your hands and retest, and then should you get a similar result, it will tell you that you need to follow medical advice. I really like this, as it gives room for error. You can also delete any false readings, which is great for not messing around with your averages.

It comes pre-set with standard targets for pre and post meal levels. Personally, I found the levels to be on the high side of where I'm comfortable. Not a problem though, as I can change them quite easily. Alarm wise, you can customise your post meal testing alarm. What's really great about this is that you can set the alarm per test, in increments of fifteen minutes. I love that, I really do. The alarm also repeats itself in a kind of 'snooze function' - great for when I'm at work and I frequently don't hear the alarm going off.

You can see trends on the meter, which is useful for a quick view, but you're far, far better off taking advantage of one of the meter's biggest selling points - Glucofacts Deluxe.

The press release I was sent describes how the software 'translates up to 2,000 individual blood glucose readings into meaningful trends and patterns, giving users an unprecedented level of access into their own unique diabetic profiles and empowering them to become 'experts' in their diabetes'.

I'm not suddenly wowed by the figure of 2,000 results being so huge. Actually I'm more curious at what happens with result 2,001 - I'd really like an answer over that. Perhaps someone from Bayer can enlighten me? Yet I would say that even with limited data uploaded onto the software, I can definitely see that having my results translated into graphs and trends automatically is a going to be a huge help. I've been doing this up til now with my logbooks and spreadsheets. Having this done by the meter as standard is a huge time saver, and takes the pain out of it for me!

The software lets you see standard days, weeks and months. You can customise your 'time periods' in the day, which is great for me, as I'm much more nocturnal, so my morning starts later than the standard settings, and I can change that (although it is rather frustratingly fiddly!) to reflect how I actually live, rather than how the default person does.

Charts also show you your percentages of time spent within your chosen targets, and on either side of the boundaries. By hovering over results on the logbook, you can also see any notes you made on the individual result, as well as the time and date. I haven't found a way of making more than one note against each result, which would be a great feature - if I don't feel right, and it's also before a meal, the ability to mark both would be great.

There are also features I haven't explored yet, such as the ability to send results to my team. I think the trends and graphs will also become a lot more useful once I have more results stored.

So on balance, what's my verdict? I like it an awful lot. For me, I think it is as close to a perfect meter as I can expect from what's on the market today. There are some features that I would like to see expanded on: multiple markers for results, a light on the point of strip insertion, but these are mostly minor gripes that I can see being ironed out for the mark two of this model. The only major downside I could see would be for someone for whom this much information would just be 'overload'. For those easily 'blinded by science', this might be terrifying. For those people, I'd point them towards the earlier Asencia Contour, because it has some customisable features, but not as many as to be off-putting.

Personally, I think this will revolutionise the way I manage my blood sugars. I like to know what's going on, and this shows me in a way that I can digest. If you're not sure whether this meter would be for you, I'd seriously think about giving it a try, but only if you're planning to use the features, otherwise you might be better off with a simpler meter. I do agree that this has the potential to help people by 'empowering them to become 'experts' in their diabetes'. If it does, then that can only be a good thing. We all need a bit more empowerment sometimes. So all in all, I say well done Bayer. I can't wait to see what you come up with next.

First things first - a big thank you to all of you who commented on my post about my problems lancing my fingers. Got a few good suggestions there. An even bigger thank you goes to Lou from One Size Doesn't Fit All, who sent out a One Touch Comfort lancing device the very next day. I'm trying it at the moment, and whilst I'm not finding it less painful to use, it does seem to get blood on the first go, and always by the second. As I said to Lou, this is a distinct improvement.

A while back, I mentioned that I had received a Contour USB meter to review. I tried my first few tests today, and had a play around with the logbook and the settings. At the moment? I am extremely impressed. I'm trying to reserve judgement until I write my full review, but I will say that it has an awful lot of features that I'm loving.

I'm currently waiting on an important piece of post. If you know me off the blog, you're fairly likely to know what I'm on about. If not, I'm afraid I can't say just yet. I have found though, that it's pretty much a universal truth that the moment you start waiting on something specific, it won't turn up. However, everything else that you'd been waiting for does start turning up, and at first sight, start looking like the thing you actually want.

Which is how I found myself with a letter from the DSN's at the hospital, inviting me to a course called 'Living with Type 1 Diabetes'. Four sessions at two hours each, over the month of May. That will be a year since I was diagnosed. Should be interesting. It says in the letter that it will be a chance to meet 'other diabetics your age', and discuss things tailored to the group. I'd been told that I would get an invitation to this a while ago.

I'm not someone blessed with patience. It would help me a lot if I had more. But as I've been told before, if you ask God for patience, you'll be given a chance to use it. So, I better hurry up and wait!

Come Thursday it will have been eleven months. Eleven months of all of this. And the thing that is bothering me the most right now? My fingers. They feel absolutely shot. I'm starting to form callouses on certain ones. Yes I rotate. But what I've found lately is that I can't get half my fingers to bleed. The ones that will are so UNBELIEVABLY sore. I picked up Cassie (my beautiful guitar) last night, to practice, and had to put her down after five minutes. I tried playing Lucy, one of Andrew's guitars, who has a lighter action, but couldn't even handle that. Very upsetting.

What else I have come to notice, however, is that whichever fingers won't bleed when I'm lancing them for testing, will then insist on bleeding on close to everything that's in the vicinity. Now, this seems familiar, I'm sure. It's not the first time I've mentioned it. But when you look and there's now blood on your mouse, keyboard, the telephone, the light switch...the list goes on. 

I'm finding that my lancing device is not my best friend at the moment. Normally, I'll do nothing but sing Bayer's praises, but this thing is really trying my patience. Even set to the deepest level, it's a real swing and a miss as to whether it will get any blood out at all. Which is why I'm alternating with using the supposedly 'comfort' single use lancets that I bought a box of online last year. I don't trust alternate site testing, since every time I've tried it, it has ended up only hurting me more. So much for 'giving your fingers a break' as it's marketed in the pamphlets I've picked up from clinic in the past.

Testing hurts. I don't like doing it. But I do it because, one, it needs to be done. And two, if I don't, I just sit and worry and end up doing it anyway. I don't think I'm the least bit obsessed, but there's no way I could cut down to testing less times than I do. Which, in case anyone is interested, is usually 7-10 times a day. I remember a particularly interesting exchange with my endo where he told me I could just get away with testing twice a day. Needless to say, I told him I wouldn't be comfortable with that, and it wouldn't be happening. 

But please fingers...get it together? Before it's not just my ability to bleed that slips away, but the last vestiges of my sanity as well?

We have another company using our theatre space at the moment. As a thank you, they brought in chocolates. And left them on my desk. It's like they were watching me. So I drew eyes on them. Shame that I chose to do it in a permanent marker that soaked through the paper and on to my desk. That meant getting out the meths. 

On reflection, I'm not sure it was worth it. 

Today has been a bit rubbish. A post lunch 9mmol/l was followed with my attempting to overcome a 3.7 by force of will alone. Seemed to work, as came in at 4-5mmol/l, which is fine. But I spent the follow two to three hours in a horrid state. I was unbelievably hot, and I felt like my skin was crawling. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and all I actually wanted to do was hide under my desk and cry. I was angry at everything, and I didn't want to answer the phone or the door. 

So because we had a show in with an early start, I had to eat dinner early as well. But as soon as I'd injected my NovoRapid, I realised a potentially huge problem with being over building capacity. This had to be solved, and had to be done in ten minutes, as that's when NR tends to kick in on me. Now, obviously I could have solved this issue by drinking some juice, sorting out the problem and then bolusing again for my meal. But I wasn't exactly thinking straight. 

After eating, my two hour post test comes in at 12.6 mmol/l. Fantastic. Sort that out with a two mile walk home. But due to early dinner, I'm now hungry again. What a fantastic day.

Don't worry, there's nothing untoward about today's post. And no, I haven't murdered anyone in that sink. But what I did manage to do today was completely baffle one of the members of staff at my branch of Lush. 

For the record, if you don't know what Lush is, there's something wrong with you! I try not to go in too frequently, because I would spend all my money in about twenty minutes. 

So my fingers are absolutely trashed. I'll probably do a shot of them sometime soon. But where I test, I have sore, dry skin. I've been after something to sort them out. So when I was in Lush today, I saw a new product called a Lip Scrub. One of them smells just like After Eight mints, which is amazing. It's basically a sugar scrub for if you have chapped lips. Now I wondered if it could be used on your fingers as well, to try and calm the skin where I test.

I decided to ask one of the members of staff, who seemed truly confused as to why I would want to do that. I explained that I tested my blood a number of times every day because of my diabetes, but he didn't seem to quite get it. So I showed him my lancing device. It was as if I'd shown him a machete that I repeatedly hacked at my wrist with. Yeah, he didn't like 'needles'. But he rather got my point, I think!

So he suggested a product that I have used in the past, called You Snap The Whip. It has charcoal in it, and smells amazing. All blackcurrant-y. I used it for a while in my third year of university, before my housemate politely requested that I stop, because it turned the shower black and clogged the drain. As you can see, it turns the water an interesting colour. However it does melt away fairly quickly, so it might end up being too expensive to carry on with, even if it does work. But hey, it's worth a try. I'll report back with results.

But for now, my hands smell awesome!

Part of my extremely glamorous job involves stuffing envelopes. And for the past few days, it has involved stuffing lots and lots of them. And then a few hundred more. It has taken me (with help) nearly two days to get through the huge stack, which then took three people two trips to the postbox to get rid of. 

Like I say, really glamorous. Don't let anyone delude you to the belief that working in a theatre is sexy. Even when I was doing acting, directing or something actually creative, rather than admin, 80-90% of what I'd get up to was not in the least, I promise you. 

But there is a problem with that many envelopes and a job that takes that amount of time. During a work day, I'll test several times. Of course that means I bleed. Now, I do suck my finger after I've tested, but as you can imagine, sometimes that doesn't always work too well. So with a lot of white envelopes, there have naturally been a few unfortunates. Problem is of course, I don't often notice if I'm still bleeding till a few envelopes down the line. So without opening them all again, it's hard to know how many I've bled on. Like I say, it's a bit like the lottery. Just an extremely gross one. So if you're one of the poor unfortunates that ends up with a bloody one, I apologise. You won't know it's from me, but I promise, I'm sorry.

I wonder what Gibbs would make of it all? He'd probably set Abby on me. And my keyboard. And the phone on my desk. And the back of my housemate's Wii-mote...

Pride's a funny thing. No, honestly. It's something that it's important to have in moderation, but, being one of the Seven Deadly Sins, is something you've got to be very careful with. And with me in particular, it's something that I have a bit of a strange relationship with.

I don't have buckets of self confidence, if I'm honest. Now, it's possible that quite a few people would be surprised by that. I'm a performer at heart. I'll quite happily get up and sing, dance, act in front of people - it's what I'm trained to do, after all. It's what I know. But that's me performing. It's not actually me. So being that I'm not an innately confident person, you might not think I'd have a problem with pride. But of course I do. Everyone does, when you get down to it.

Quite often for me, when  I think I'm too proud for a thing, it's probably more accurate to say that I'm being stubborn about a thing. I was too proud to admit that I was having health problems before my D-Day. I didn't want to appear weak, or like I couldn't handle a thing. And that is one of my major flaws. I don't like to appear vulnerable in the eyes of others. I rely very much on feeling like I'm in control, and it really gets to me when I'm not. 

Which is tough nuts really, where diabetes is concerned. When I was in hospital, I did not like to find myself pee-ing in the cardboard trays and cups. It was embarrassing. I didn't (and still don't) like admitting not understanding a thing. Which is how I got into rather a confusion over whether insulin pens were single use only. I didn't like showing I was scared. Again, I still don't.  But like I say, it's tough nuts. Diabetes doesn't give two hoots about my pride. It doesn't care if I don't want to pee in the cup. It doesn't care if I'm embarrassed that I'm shaking like crazy, and I just can't stop, or want people to stop staring at me.

I went to see Whistle Down the Wind in Sheffield the weekend before last. Now much to my joy, I discovered it was starring Jonathan Ansell (ex-lead singer of G4, and all round classical delight for those of you not in the know), who I've been a fan of since I was at the start of my second year of university. I was thrilled. I was even more thrilled when I discovered he was doing a meet and greet after the performance. So determined was I to get to the front of the queue that I accidentally walked straight past him in the corridor at great speed. I'd already had one hypo before the performance, when I decided to check my sugars before the curtain went up. But I was stood waiting patiently with my programme in hand, when I felt myself shaking. Before I could do anything about it, it was my turn. And I can't remember exactly what I said to him, but I know it was complete garbage. I knew I was plummeting down the numbers too quickly. I wanted to get a picture with him, but I said to everyone (including myself) that I wasn't going to be 'that person'. But in my heart of hearts, I knew I wasn't feeling right, but just wanted to blame it on not wanting to be 'lame'.

I stepped to the side, with my autographed programme. I ate down the glucotabs. I ate down the mini Mars bar. I struggled to hold my water bottle with my shaky hands. I didn't get my picture, and felt pathetic. Not just for wanting my picture taken with him. But for the fact I was leaning on the confectionery case unable to hold the water bottle steady. No, I wasn't having this. It didn't happen to me. 

But it did. And it does. And it will.

Regardless of whether I want it to or not, there will still be times that my pride has to take a sidestep. There will be times where I have to say 'No, I need to stop'. There will be times when the second or third hypo of the day has drained me, and I can't face walking any further. There will come times where I'll have to say 'I'm scared', or 'I don't understand'.

But that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I just need to learn to accept it with some more humility than right now. 

And I'm trying

Rather than go 'Happy New Year, world!' and be all bouncy and jolly, in love with the world afresh, I entered 2010 a bit anxious, and with the attitude of 'bugger off, I don't want to know'. 

So, anxious and a bit depressed would probably best sum up my attitude to the start of 2010. I've never been a big fan of January. There's all this pressure to get yourself sorted, and make resolutions. I tell myself every year that I'll do things, then don't end up doing it and get even more angry with myself. 

So, I made a resolution several years ago, not to make any more New Year's Resolutions. And I've been doing really well at keeping that one.

Well, I've bitten all my nails off again due to being anxious. I was getting worked up. I was getting a lot of double figure scores, and I couldn't get them to stop easily. So I rang up Becky, my DSN, thinking she'd tell me I needed to up my NovoRapid. But instead, I was instructed to start again on Lantus. 

Ah. 

Now, I'd been very keen to start on Lantus again. Mainly for reasons of personal craziness. It was like I didn't feel as though I was a proper T1, what with my tiny 2u boluses, and no basal. So getting the basal back would be, as someone put it to me, 'like getting my diabetic stripes'.  But when I got told to put it back in again, all of a sudden it was a bit like a promotion I didn't want. 

I was nervous. 

I'd had some pretty rotten hypos on Lantus last time, and I've not been proved too far wrong. I've taken it down by a unit, but I've only had one hypo-free day since starting it up again. I'm not enjoying it thus far. The only good thing, I suppose, is that if DSN-Becky wants to keep the Lantus in, I might be able to calculate my insulin-sensitivity more accurately, and do some PROPER carb counting. 

So moving on to some good things. I mentioned that I might have some new readers due to my request for people to follow this on LiveJournal's holiday_wishes community. Well, one of the other things I wished for was for some sugar-free caramel syrup to put in hot chocolate. I didn't actually think I would have anyone send me any. So imagine my surprise when this turns up before Christmas:

They ended up tasting rather like shortbread. Half sugar, half Splenda. Next time, a little more allspice. I'm willing to share the recipe should anyone want it. But they were good. Proof in point?

 

I took them to work with me, and only ended up with  a couple left, one being the one I snagged for myself there, with my sneaky cup of low-sugar hot chocolate. And yes, that is a Christmas mug. I bought it for £1.00 in the sales after Christmas 2008. I figured no-one else would have a Christmas mug at work, so I'd know it was mine, and could keep tabs on who was stealing it! Not that that seems to stop people.

Coming soon by the way - Sam from Talking Blood Glucose is going to be doing a guest blog here at some point in the near future. Yey! That should be worth sticking around to read. 

 


And one of the best things about post Christmas/New Year period? Slowly working your way through the sea of amazing new Christmas socks. Awesome ^_^

Happy Christmas one and all!

Well I promised you a post today, and though I'm cutting it rather close to the wire, here we go.

So last night, I went to midnight communion, as I usually do of a Christmas Eve. Skimming over the ice, insanely squeaky clarinet playing, and the fact there was a rather frighteningly drunk man walking the same path home as me, I decided to test as I arrived at the service. 4.5. Hmm. Fair enough, but if that doesn't alter, I might need to have a snack before I go to bed.  Now when it comes to actually taking communion, I remember that the church I go to when I'm at my parents' place serves grape juice rather than wine for communion. Ah. All the times I've taken communion since being diagnosed, I've either been served wine, or I've been free to take the tiniest sip of juice from a comunial cup. So I start wondering whether this would be a problem. I decide that it shouldn't since the amount you get served in the individual glasses is smaller than a shot glass, so it couldn't affect me too much, surely?

Well, I'm 5.3 before I go to bed, so all's well that ends well, right? Well, I wake up this morning with a fairly strong headache, and test at 8.8 in one hand, and 7.6 in the other. Huh?! So I have some breakfast, and go back down to church again. After the service, I'm starting to feel a bit grotty. I figured I was probably on the edge of hypo. Nope! 10.3. An hour later, when I'm doing my proper post meal test, I come in at 4.3. AN HOUR LATER! What the heck is going on by this point?

But this is where it starts to get really interesting. I'm 4.6 before we have Christmas dinner. I don't go crazy, but I'm not stingy either. Turkey, roast potatoes, parsnips, carrots, stuffing, sausage. Have a bit of ice cream and a very tiny bit of Christmas pudding after. Two glasses of light sparkling (very sweet) wine. Post meal I come in at 5.9. Having told myself I can be a bit more relaxed today, I have a handful of savoury nibbles, and pick at yoghurt coated ginger (something I discovered I loved after being diagnosed. Then shortly after discovered the sugar content of it.). Come about 8pm, and I think I should probably have something else to eat, or I'll hypo later in the evening. But thinking about the ginger and what have you, I think it's still going to be a high score. Numberwang says....5.8.

Post meal numberwang says 4.5!

What is going on?! On a normal day, I wouldn't eat like this! I wouldn't pick at ginger. I wouldn't drink the sweet wine. I wouldn't have stuffing, potatoes and parsnips at the same meal. It's rather like the diabetes fairy, who normally is such a curse, decided to turn the usual game on its head. Thus I have had two of my mum's chocolates, and a small glass of port. I daren't see how far I can test this out though.

In other news, I have many, many pairs of socks. This is a very good thing. Note that I do not say that I have enough socks. One can never have enough socks. They are also all fabulous. I did take a picture of my feet in one pair to show you, but sadly this computer does not like to upload things. But believe me, they are rather wonderful.

I hope you are all having a great time, with good levels.

Again, Merry Christmas to you! xx

So I did it! 30 posts in 30 days means that I managed to complete NaBloPoMo. It was actually quite an interesting experience to try and find something to write about every day. Some days were definitely more interesting than others.

My medic alert bracelet broke on Saturday. Middle of rehearsal. Suddenly it just snapped off my wrist. Beads everywhere.

So I've not been wearing it since. What I find really strange is that I was really resistant to getting one in the first place, yet having gone a few days without, I feel naked for not having it on. I don't know whether it's just that I got used to wearing another piece of jewellery, and not having it feels weird (I know I still get confused as to where my ring which broke is), or if it was giving me a sense of security. Peace of mind knowing that if something did happen to me, whoever found me would know my name, date of birth, that I had diabetes, and who I wanted them to call.

I'm not sure now whether to order a new one, try to fix this one, email the people I bought it from (as it was pointed out to me that breaking within six months isn't exactly great), or hoping that someone does in fact grant my wish for a new bracelet bit on Livejournal's holiday_wishes community. I've still got the ID in my purse, but is that enough?

I feel like I'm waiting a lot of the time. Waiting for my insulin sensitivity to decrease. Waiting to need bigger boluses. Waiting to need the Lantus back again. Just waiting. It's like being on a very weird time bomb. I can't see the timer, or the fuse, so I don't have even the vaguest clue when it's going to go off. The only thing I know is that it will. And I worry. I worry what it's going to be like when the amounts of insulin I need aren't so tiny. I wander all over the place as it is...

I gave in to some temptation today. I bought some pralines from Hotel Chocolat. I had three of them. I gave myself an extra unit of NR. I thought that would stop me going really high. But it brought me down to the edge of hypo before dinner. But by the time dinner was actually ready, I was up to 5. I had a relatively low carb dinner, but still ended up at 8.1 two hours later.

What's it going to be like when I'm out of honeymoon?

I really, really don't know. I guess I'll just wait and see.