Weirdly, my last couple of posts have been about the things that get me really fired up. Bad, bad jokes and how they aren't as funny as one might initially think, and my current branch of advocacy, and how that gets me positively fired up, rather than just simply angry.
So I'm having to think hard about what I want to say here. Partially because I've had about a week and a half now of just awful levels - I can't seem to keep down in range (or even close), and I'm worn down, and partly because I feel that whatever I'm going to say is almost certainly being said better elsewhere.
But then I thought more about how I'm feeling. Right now. Because of what D is throwing at me. Not physically, but emotionally.
I feel sad. And a bit useless. And flat. And empty. And then all the words come out. Those words that attach to feelings that I don't always like to talk about. Because those words can take me to dark places, and that's a bit like balancing on a see-saw for me.
This is a confession to you - reader, on the internet, and by proxy pretty much anyone who feels like seeing this. So basically the whole world. Potentially, anyway. I've not always had the easiest ride with emotional, and yes, I suppose mental health. I'm prone to long periods of what feels like 'empty balloon time' to me. Where all the puff, all the wind, the air, whatever it is that keeps me up and going, goes away. I can cope with a day of the blues, but I know what a day of the blue is compared to empty balloon time. When I'm just in a bad mood or a bit low, or, like today, I can pick up a book in a shop and start crying because, yes, that says exactly what I'm feeling just now (Michael Rosen's Sad Book, if you want to know. It's about death, but he describes sadness and emptiness in such an honest way).
And I think all of this has a lot to do with the fact I'm running really high for an extended period of time. It messes with me emotionally, but though D might be the cause, my feelings are still my own, and having and admitting them is not something I should be ashamed of. But I'm not ON my own. I am by no means the only one with feelings like this, or with struggles that are even worse.
Diabetes doesn't exactly give us time off. It's there all the time, even at the inconvenient moments, nudging away, wanting attention. I don't think it's surprising that people with diabetes are nearly twice as likely to experience mental health issues like depression or anxiety. It's also why I think it's important that we can admit that, hey it's not always easy.
It's also why I respect and admire the work of all the team behind the You Can Do This Project. Like I said, we should never be ashamed of feelings that are less than 'shiny'. None of us are any less of a person for feeling negative feelings. At least that's what I'm telling myself today.
And honestly, this was not the post I was intending to write. I'm 100% sure where it came from. Which means it was probably exactly the post I needed to write.